Late Night UNDERGROUND

Conan

RACCOON'S INDEED!! THOSE ARE FIGHTING WORDS COMING FROM A TAWNY AMERICAN MARMOT SUCH AS YOURSELF!! You simply are NOT a match for the PEEP's and TopDog's SpaceShip!! SURRENDER AT ONCE!! I DEMAND YOUR UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER!! PREPARE TO BE BOARDED!!--and lower you Late Night Shields!! Waterboarding Squirrel's is one thing!!--You are really out of orbit attacking Raccoon's!! GIVE IT UP EARTHY BOY!!

You need to shoot giant marshmallows from a cannon!

OR

give everybody in the audience a tennis ball and everyone throws it at the same time. SOMEONE has to hit it.

use a net gun conan!

i think there is only one solution to your raccoon problem. since la bamba kinda looks like a latino oddjob, you should have him throw hats at it! PROBLEM SOLVED!

fire hose

I would suggest a potato or "spud" gun. It's a little known fact that the potato gun was developed in Idaho to combat an attack of flying Raccoons. This was back in 1908, so these raccoons naturally didn't have rocket packs, but instead flew via a paw-cranked ultralight biplane type device. They were ingenious vermin, very ingenious indeed. Plus potato guns make a ridiculously satisfying sound.

It would be great if you could shoot the raccoon down with sperm. Even if it doesnt fall down I am sure that it will leave because of the sperm.

Cut the string!

hit it with a big stick

hmm.. see... you must get the racoon!

Conan should throw knives at the raccoon. That would be AWESOME!!!!

put a bottle of diet coke under the raccoon and put some mentos in the bottle.

Invite Eli Manning to the show and have him heave footballs at it.

if you can, try to use the relatively inexpensive spider net gun for laughs :)

Two suggestions: A net gun, or Vomiting Kermit in a plane.

Here's how you shoot it down, Conan. You call in a favor to the man whose life you saved, Abraham Lincoln. You hook him up with a zipline, a rocket helmet, rocket boots and Groucho Marx glasses. Send him flying into the air and have him kick the racoon down to the ground.
That's what I did to get a dead gopher off some power lines. Although being Canadian, I had to settle for John Alexander MacDonald instead of Abe Lincoln.

its easy...shoot that sum betch with a po ta to gun.

fire away and that bandit.

CROSSBOW!

launch stephen colbert at the racoon
or that eagle he made

put a bottle of diet coke under the raccoon and put some mentos in the bottle.

Have Dick Cheney come in and take care of him for you...

shoot it with a bow and arrow, or hire a professional

Hey I'm a student at the University of Georgia, and being from the south I understand how pesky a creature raccoons can be. I think you should take him down with a remote controlled airplane, kamikaze style!

what you need is a good ol' fashion potato gun...it just makes sense...raccoon will be automatically attracted to the potato.KABAM!
i have one, conan...and i'll loan it to you if need be.

has been over for a couple weeks now, but is Eli Manning staying in shape? This is a call-out: Eli manning must prove he earned is title as superbowl MVP and hit that raccoon down with a football. how you plan on getting him on the show isn't my problem.

Use a screaming monkey: http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/plush/8f00/

Use your zipline to kick it down

To whom it may concern:

I would like to see Conan zip line down from the back of the audience while wearing a leopard print cape and karate kick the raccoon.

Thank you.

-Dustin

from Virginia Beach, Virginia

Conan should enlist bruce willis and a team of untrained astronauts to fly up to the raccoon and blow it up.

I think it should be shot down with Conan flying in on the zip-line, kicking the racoon in the face.

I think you should have The NYFD blow it ou tof the studio with their fire hoses.

I have two words to solve your orbiting Racoon problem.................................. CHUCK NORRIS!!!!!

Use a harpoon gun! you'll be able to get it down easy! or just use a net launcher!

lower the racoon down a little bit and, blindfold conan, and keep spinning the racoon and it will be like a pinata!

you should use a nerf gun

I think Abe Vigoda should be in a tiny rocket ship with an oversized helmet chasing the racoon and shoot it out of orbit with a nerf gun. If Abe cannot be there get either labomba or joel to do it! Don't worry, this one will be a hit, its going to work. By the way...the zip line has to come back soon!

Get a singing "who" owl to fly up and attack the racoon. Owl doesnt actually have to sing. Trained real owl or late night version owl will work.
Late night with WHO? Owl attacks and defends Conans name.

Bounce basketballs off Max's head at an angle that would send the basketballs into the raccoon, knocking him out of orbit.

I think you should have The NYFD blow it out of the studio with their fire hoses.

I don't know how you could shoot him down, but I think Dick Cheney would know.

How about some one get on a tall ladder and grab the raccoon? Or put a mattress on the floor and throw a pillow at it.

Is it even real? If it is, poor thing!!

Have La Boomba get it down with a trampoline!

Simply ask it to please come down...

If that fails, play Hansen's mmBop until he obeys...

Why not just move closer! Or just get Chuck Norris to kill it with his beard.

two words...

1. giant Slingshot
and
2. piere bernards recliner of rage

http://www.slingking.com/ hehe

Some sort of Rube Goldberg device, ending with a giant boot on a lever.

Throw your shoe at that damn thing

You must try to blast the racoon out of orbit by renting large speakers and blaring "Dont stop believing." Or hire Boston Red Sox pitcher Tim Wakefield to fire knuckleballs at it. (You might want to get Doug Mirabelli to catch them)

Meat balls and a slingshot.

Two words
CHUCK NORRIS, get Chuck to bring it down. If Chuck can't do it it's hopeless for everyone.

Fight fire with fire. Ride your head/feet rocket-powered zip-line up (down) into the raccoon, slamming it down into the stage and then use good old fashioned Walker Texas Ranger justice and bitch-punch the hell out of it!

Or some variation on the above!

Shoot it down with a paintball gun

Im pretty sure the only option to this historical event is to shoot the raccoon down with none other than OJ simpsons get away cars...and the police cars that chased it ....i feel that his cars belong in space just in case u miss.

I think masturbating bear should take a couple of swings at it like a pinata

use a big old fashioned sling shot and just fill it with whatever like dodgeballs

Use the chuck norris clip generator to produce chuck to go and take it out of orbit

You absolutely have no choice but to use a crossbow to annihilate the screeching raccoon with a jet pack!

Conan,
You should put together a bunch of those stciky gummy hands that you get in vending machines and fling them at the raccoon and try to pull the bad boy down.

Shoot him with a stream of liquid nitrogen and simply shatter him with a hammer

Lauch Labamba's personal possessions at the racoon. His shoes, mustache, some of his clothes, his cofee table whatever

use a boomerang
if not successful,
have a professional knife thrower either a) throw knifes and try to cut string, or, b) teach you how to throw knifes and you try to get it down

Bring Andy in to knock the raccoon down with his Thor Hammer!!!

...or maybe something with a lightning bolt???

use a boomerang!!

Bottle Rockets!!!!!!

Have little kids with blindfolds and baseball bats swing at it like a pinata. But maybe only let one child at a time swing blindfolded..

Have La Boomba get it down with a trampoline!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please. I mean please throw an audience memeber's show at him. Also...it'd be funny if you found the person who had the most disgusting, smelly shoes. Maybe let the audience memeber throw the show themselves!

Conan should zipline into the raccoon!

Get a sleepy blindfolded Mexican to swing at it with a 2x4. Never fails.

The obvoious answer is to invite james lipton to the show to launch a darts out of a funnel it then following that by funneling a beer.

Use a super soaker and fill it up with flammable alcohol.

Then walk 20 feet to the racoon, and light it on fire

Conan,
You can put a pair of moon boots on chewbacca and let him get him down. Or you can scare the racoon down the labomba's great acting sckills.

Have arnold schwarzenegger come on the show and bait the raccoon to burrow into his open mouth then change his low battery terminator power so he can chomp down on it

Supersoaker

Conan you need to get a Nerf bow and arrow to shoot it down I would suggest a real bow and arrow but you would probably hit Max.

Send Governor Schwarzenegger back to Mars, to film the sequel to Total Recall, when on the way he encounters the raccoon. Of course, the Governor has no choice but to launch himself out of the shuttle, into orbit, and catching the Orbiting Screeching Raccoon in his gaping, cavernous, maw of a mouth

Use the zip line to kick the raccoon down.

Have you ever heard of there being raccoons in Australia? I think not! Conan use a BOOMERANG! and then toss it out the window Conando style.

I say you use a t-shirt cannon.

Have LaBamba stand directly under the racoon and hit the highest note he can sing until it's head explodes

invite cheney to shoot it down

a three-man water balloon launcher would exterminate it from orbit

We think Conan should wear a full medieval suit of armor and joust the raccoon down with a lance. Horse is optional but preferable.

unleash the masturbating bear on that pesky critter.

Graveling hook! Yank him outta orbit!
Paintballs would be pretty fun though too.

Have Lawrence Tynes kick "field goals" at him.

Conan, I believe shooting down a raccoon with a jet-pack is nearly impossible. I think the only possible way of getting that raccoon down is by Zip lining down with the helmet and a matching jet pack on your back. A Conan Zip line with a jet pack seems to be the most logical way possible.

Beat it down with the Conan manikin,the one used to crowd surf during the strike when Conan put his desk in the back of the audience,oh and dressing up as Rambo while beating the raccoon down would add to it

Use A potato gun!!!!!!
PVC pipe, grill lighter, and hair spray

That's how we get 'er done here at penn state

In the the great town of Katy, Texas, We use Nerf Guns or Hydo-Soakers To rid ourselves of these weird lookin varmints out of the dag-gum air. Also dress like a biker (Just for pure enjoyment). Manatees Rock

LET EVERYONE IN THE BAND AND THE GUY WHO LOVES THE BAND GET ONE THROW A FOOTBALL FROM BESIDE THE DESK. WINNER GETS TO PLAY A SOLO FOR THE GUY LOVES THE BAND AND IF THE GUY LOVES THE BAND WINS THE WHOLE BAND HAS TO PLAY A LOVE SONG FOR HIM !!!

Shoot it down with a supersoaker

Go Piñata on his raccoon ass!!

You must contact one of the greatest American Hunter of all time so he will come and resolve your pesky little problem. The one and Only, Dick Cheney.

I suggest a paint ball gun or a potato gun something that will do damage to that screeching raccoon....either or SHOW THAT RACCOON WHO'S BOSS CONAN!

Put a pair of moon shoes on chewbacca!

You would obviously need dick cheney to shoot it down with george bush.

shoot giant spit balls at it

As previously mentioned the "Potato Gun" or Spud Gun is you answer. Simple PVC constructon, can be powered by hairspray...and potatoes are cheap!!! Previous posts are correct the raccoon is history!

You need to do like you did with the tennis ball shooter, but replace the tennis balls with potatoes instead. So like Billy sayed it just add the air gun. \,,/ ,(-.-), \,,/

ROCK ON CONAN!!!!!

Spin around 3 times and Throw your shoe at it

I believe shooting a wide range of stuffed animals (i.e. bears, dogs, cats, deer, fish, birds, etc.) with a high pressured air cannon would solve your seemingly unsolvable problem! If it works you should bring me on your show :P

bow and arrow.... water balloons...pies.....maybe a bra sling shot....idk....sounds like it will be fun bringing the raccoon down !!!

A bow and arrow, it's the only way. And if Conan can't do it, get someone who can.

Invite Tom Brady to throw footballs at it. When he knocks it down, award him with a t-shirt reading "Screeching Raccoon Champian... 1-0". Maybe have the patriots logo wearing a raccoon hat.

That should do it!

Get an aboriginal astronaut with radioactive boomerangs to bring it down

Bounce basketballs off Max's head at an angle that hits the raccoon knocking it out of orbit.

Get on your special smoke spewing helmet, rocket boots, and open a can of whoop ass on that 'coon. Git-R-Done!

Conan,
Your Racoon problem is very easy to solve. Get a bunch of kids on stage and tell them that it is a pinata full of lots of candy. When the kids knock that racoon out of orbit you throw the candy into the middle of them. While they are distracted by all that candy you can get nasa to quickly remove the racoon. SWEEEET!

Fire a raccoon devouring animal into orbit on a rocket pack with the raccoon to eat or fight him. (Possibly even Triumph)

PAINT BALL GUN CONAN. THEN THE AUDIENCE AND EVERYONE WATCHING AT HOME WILL KNOW WHEN YOU HIT IT. USE THE BRIGHT COLORED PAINT BALLS AND WHEN THE FLYING RACOON IS HIT, HAVE THE GUY RIGGING THE CABLE HAVE HIM SWING OUT OF CONTROL, WITH AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF SMOKE EMITTING FROM HIS ROCKET, AND THEN CRASH INTO LABAMBA AND THEN MAKE LABAMBA LOOK LIKE WYLE E. COYOTE AFTER THE ACME BOMB BLEW UP!

get lary the cable guy's family to get it down...they will eat it ! !

dam red_Necks

you should have a sheraccoon lure the raccoon down by offering him sexual favors

Give the Conan Launcher a try! See it tomorrow night on Late Night!

Conan use a spud gun, nail that son of a bitch, you fire triumph the comic insult dog out of the cannon there for we can have a little dog on con action.

Conan you need to get a monkey on the show and have it throw poo at the raccoon.

shoot it with a net gun its not a big gun and it covers so much area even conan can hit it

Conan- here are a few ideas.

1. shoot plastic mannequin heads painted as president Bushes face out of a cannon

2. go at it with a bat, blindfolded, dressed as a woman (high heels too!)

3. try to lasso it in while riding a mechanical bull.

any of these would be hilarious to watch!!

bring out the masturbating bear to eat the raccoon, everyone knows bears hate raccoons conan... especially the ones that masturbate

CONAN I got it!!! 1 of two ways to take down that damn raccoon is to get one of those American Gladiator guys to shoot tennis balls or whatever they shoot at it. That will for sure bring it down the American way!! Or if you dare…you could of course bring in Chuck Norris and have him go toe to toe with it either one will solve the problem!!!!!

Conan should call in the big dog, aka Horny Manatee, that should dance with so much intensity that it would make the raccoon explode! (sort of like how Austin Powers made the fembots blow up!) The Horny Manatee can do it!

let the masterbating bear take a stroke at it!

Conan, you should use a nerf gun. You can but 'em cheap and they are fun as anything out there.

shoot it with a supersoaker

take a roman candle to it or throw an "Odd Job" knife hat at it. get a baseball player to shoot up steroids and throw a ball at it. maybe a net gun that would be sweet

I've got it! Simply have Arnold Schwarzenegger stand in front of it until he flies right into his mouth!

a slingshot made from the wood of a druidic sacred oak tree and human skin

Water canon? How about a pellet gun? Or beanbaqs out of something with more fire power?

That's all I've got, good luck.

In the the great town of Katy, Texas, We use Nerf Guns or Hydo-Soakers To rid ourselves of these weird lookin varmints out of the dag-gum air. Also dress like a biker (Just for pure enjoyment). Manatees Rock

Conan, If you travel close to the speed of light, by the laws of relativity, the length of your body will contract, therefore making your surroundings appear larger to you. this should make the raccoon easier to hit as he will appear larger

A potato canon if needed i can call u with relevant info or build u one and u could fly me out but a potato gun would go through the racoon and ur stage too

good luck

what you need to do is to hire a true cajun racoon catcher to hunt that critter down!!!!!
or you can call me (king leonidas) to those my trusty javelines at that coon to bring it down for the safety of all humanity

Hey I think you can take down the raccoon with the screaming slingshot monkey!

http://www.stupid.com/stat/SLNG.html

Peace,

Mark B.

Just hit the raccoon with the "ball gun"! :)

I think conan needs a potato gun! Or maybe teh masturbating bear can take care of teh raccoon

Have the audience throw rice at it to get it down!

American Gladiators Cannon, harpoon gun, or if all else fails, a mini uzi would do the job. Good luck Conan.

[b]Blindfold Conan, and let him swing at it with a flaming barbed wire baseball bat.[/b]

How about you hit it with a bat or... You do a dance and hit it with a kick

C.O.B I like the Eli thing(even though te Pats lost)hve him come in and throw like cabbage of somethin but brotha watcha need to do is throw water balloons, meat maybe lol, or bring in Chuck Norris and have him throw ninja stars or somethin

Paintball Gun with pink fill balls... Definitely a quick and fun way to take him down!

get schwarzenegger to shut his mouth.

I think this is a job for the justice legue or batman and roben or superman atleast he can fly

Bring Preparation H Raymond to sooth it back to earth.

Good old Minnesota Coon beating.

Bat, case of beer and a raccoon.

Throw Frisbees from the stairs in the middle of the audience!

CONAN!

You should shoot the racoon down by Making a Potato Launcher and shoot out keilbasa sauages! yea!

BASE BALL BAT PLUS U ON A LADDER AND START SWINGING

How about throwing the Horny Manatee at the Racoon.

Conan, get a Chuck Norris mask, and stare that Racoon down! It should spontaneously combust out of the fear that you ARE Chuck Norris!

well there are a couple of ways you can do it.

1. Go to home depot and hire some folks, give them bats and tell them its a piñata.

or

2. Build a bottle rocket launcher, modify bottle rockets with pointed tips to stick to the racoon. attached to the shaft of the rocket and m-80 firecrakers that will add to the explosion power

This is obviously a job for a flying squirrel and his assistant moose.

Obviously, the best way to get rid of a Screeching Raccoon with a jetpack is to get a Screeching Coyote with a jetpack.....DUH!!!

i was just watching the show and was thinking POTATO GUN as well. those things are soo sweet and fun to shoot! ahh i cant believe someone beat me to the punch. CONAN BUILD A POTATO GUN!!

Conan!!!! use a paintball gun!!! get that damn racoon!!!

throw toy fox-tails at it.

ok there's obviously only one option of what to do here. you need to do a sort of track and feel test. the pole valt. Yous should run and use the pole to try to take it down by yourself.

considering january and february are the raccoon's mating months, lure the raccoon down with a sexy female raccoon then simply use any close combat weapon I recommend a shillelagh to celebrate conan's heritage.

Airsoft gun (I'd go with the P90 submachine gun, just for its cool looks)

Conan! It would be quite a feat to bring him down with a bow and arrow!

throw larry the cable guy at it.

Have Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog "poop on him" :)

Conan- here are a few ideas.

shoot plastic mannequin heads painted as president Bushes face out of a cannon

go at it with a bat, blindfolded, dressed as a woman (high heels too!)

try to lasso it in while riding a mechanical bull.

any of these would be hilarious to watch!!

Use a fully automatic paint ball gun. that would be epic!!!

GET about 5 or 6 Radio Controlled Helicopters from Sharper Image, and fly them in to deliver a payload of "explosives".

What I would do is this. Have the horny manatee jungle crawl down the stairs once at a good vantage point take aim with sniper rifle of some sort (rubber bullets of course) and blow that S.O.B out of orbit. This will show them, the horny manatee desrves some more airtime. Long live the Horny manatee.

Throw dish plates at him like frisbees. Everyone likes frisbees.

Lower the raccoon and let Larry the Cable Guy try and spin kick the raccoon down......or just have everyone in the audience have a shot....(give whoever does it a prize)....maybe the raccoon!

It's plain and simple. Rocket boots, zipline and Conan. If that doesn't work, how about John Wilkes Booth? You do owe him the pleasure of shooting something after all. No? How about a nice round-house from Walker Texas Ranger. Still not good enough? Well then I guess you're stuck with the damn thing.

USE a PAINTBALL GUNNNN CONANNNN UR MY HOMMMIEEE

paintball gun

loud music could disrupt the jetpack's engine causing it to cease and the raccoon would just drop (albiet sharply) to the ground. DragonForce or Lightning Bolt will do.

Get Tim Tebow, the only person to ever win a fight against Chuck Norris to take that raccoon down!

Get Eli Manning to throw a football at him... he brought the Patriots tumbling to Earth... I'm sure he could do it to the coon too.

Stick Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert in canons and fire them at the raccoon. After all, Conan made them!

Shoot it with Mr. Met's sling shots that they use during baseball games

Hey Conan. A friend of mine, Chris Burton from Calhoun, LA has national champion coon dogs! Let me know if you would like them to appear on your show. I guarantee they can handle your raccoon! I'm SERIOUS!!

Shoot pieces of meat and eggs maybe it will get hungry and fall!!! and if that doesn't work Use a Arnold Schwarzenegger Head for he is the terminator.

you can shoot some type of nuts from the canon or ball up some wonder bread and try shooting it with the cannon.

How about Abe Lincoln zooming down a zip line with a rocket pack?

throw larry the cable guy at it.

You should get a GIANT head of Arnold Schwarzenegger with him mouth open to gobble up the poor defenseless racoon!

you should use the robot that you had on two weeks ago. the one that you ruined the weather with, i can't remember the name of it but it was hilarious and will be just as hilarious when you get that racoon down

release a hawk at it and have it bring it down then bring it back to you so you can further destroy it! damn racoon

2) Use the zip line with all of your fancy accessories.

2) Invite Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning to hit it with some footballs.

Get Conan to shoot his writers out of a cannon at it. Clearly his writers are only good at bringing good things down.

A net made of coonskin hats should take it down.

Use the zip line, rocket boots, and rocket helmet and take him raccoon head on!

even better have you or cheney shoot down a spaced out bush doll

Just chuck firecrackers at him. Make it rain racoon jerky!

throw larry the cable guy at it.

-flame thrower
-mideveil catapult
-another screaming raccoon with a jet pack
-sending a hungry carnivorous cat after the raccoon

Have the masturbating bear paw it down. Bears are a raccoons' only natural enemies.

Have the horny manitee seduce it down

It doesn't appear to be more than 6 or 7 feet off the ground. I would recommend a simple heart punch.

throw razor sharp frisbee's at the racoon!!

Dress up like Robin Hood, or at least Joel, and you (Conan) and Chewbaca (Chewy) use bows and arrows. If that doesn't work, have the Horny Manatee launching potatoes from the air gun with you guys.

Right On Conan!

Curtis from Macomb, Illinois

Lethernecks, Wooo!!

air cannon full of beer

Get Tim Tebow, the only person to ever win a fight against Chuck Norris, to take that squirrel down!

dude fucking PUT cow pies in the gun and shoot that asshole of a racoon out of the sky....he's a bastard...IM CRYING IM CRYING...TWEEK TWEEK

Drop some napalm on it from a remote control helicopter, Vietnam style.

you should invite a team of dodgeball players to play a little friendly game of dodgeball with that infamous racoon. he is surely to lose. muahahahha

you should take a giant super charged toaster and shoot toast at it.

Toasted raccoon - its whats for dinner.

you should use a fully auto paintball gun

get arnold schwarzenegger to come on the show and eat it with his big ass mouth hahaha

shoot arnold schwarzenegger's opened mouthed face (from the nba all star footage shown on the show) to bite or eat the racoon.

GET SOME MEXICAN KIDS TO SMACK IT DOWN LIKE A PINIATA

This looks like a job for pale force or perhaps the masterbating walrus.

Just smack that some-bitch with a big-ass "Snoopy" the 'Peanuts' begal! We all know begals are good coon dogs and they will git that damn thing down!!

Conan, If I were I would elimnate the threat of the raccoon with a jet pack by bringing Sally Fields onto the show and use brooms to knock it out of the sky. Like Forest Gump says..."When racoons try to get on our back porch, Momma just chase 'em off with a broom."

Alternately, Chuck Norris will do. Simply his presence will cause a the raccoon to be de-orbited.

I believe the tennis ball "shooting contraption" didn't seem to work well at all. If you used a potato gun Conan would not only shoot the raccoon out of "orbit," but it would more than likely be the sweetest thing I'd ever see on t.v. and I would only want to see it on Conan O'Brian's Late Night Show!

Shoot The screeching vermin with
coney island nathans hotdogs, from coney island, shot by an early 1900's coney island patron across town (nuke style) and into the late night studio dropping in on that
nasty creature. Or have Arnold Shoot hot dogs out of his gaping
mouth, lunging towards the raccoon.

use a pitching machine. Feed the balls through it to get a more accurate hit.

put out a mouse trap. those nasty racoons will eat anything.

Ok, conan, I like the intial attempt at thwarting impending audience casualty but you're going about it all wrong. If you want to stop the racoon you need to bring in some real power. Hulk Hogan and the new gladiatiors should come in as special guests and use the super-powered tennisball gun from the original gladiator show. That should handle your galactic woodland creature quandry and give the hulkster some much needed pub. Always lookin out for you, NBC, two birds...one tennisball.

with potato gun

invite john mack-hen-row but insist he put a big jew fro and head band on and wack tennis balls off his racket to it, or you invite the gold medalist anvil hammer thrower to throw a huge tube sock (with stripes on it) packed with a whopper with cheese in it it and have him anvil hammer throw it at the racoon and get burger king to sponser it, its win win.

Shoot max at it!

Conan come down from a zip line and front kick the raccoon.Show us what you would do to Colbert If that doesn't work Wack it like a Piñata while blindfolded.

Have a Mascot Raccoon Pinata Party. Have Abe Pagoda, The Masturbating bear, Manatee, the Satan puppy, etc blindfolded with a giant stick taking turns.

Get a remote controlled plane and go kamikaze on it!!!

They the pro planes that people actually dog fight with. If that doesn't know the racoon out...

A model rocket will!!!

SHOOT GARBAGE IT WILL CATCH ITS ATTENTION!!!!

Let the Masturbating Bear to swat at it a few times!!!

Use pop bottle rockets.

I believe the tennis ball "shooting contraption" didn't seem to work well at all. If you used a potato gun Conan would not only shoot the raccoon out of "orbit," but it would more than likely be the sweetest thing I'd ever see on t.v. and I would only want to see it on Conan O'Brian's Late Night Show!

Shine a laser pointer in its eyes.

Have Rosie O'Donnell dance naked under the raccoon throwing off the earths' inertia and altering the Raccoons changing orbit. This will allow the audience and the Raccoon to survive. Although the audience will probably not survive this stunt!

Have the horny manatee seduce it down. Or Hit it with a boat oar!

You should get Roger clemens to throw syringes at it.

beat it like a pinata

Shoot Abe Vigoda at the raccoon

Perhaps Conan could zipline through the audience and into the raccoon, vanquishing its evil spirit from the studio forevermore.

Use a water balloon slingshot or cannon. You can get a one-man slingshot (where you hold it individually) or a 3-person cannon (there's two people that have to hold the straps and another person as the launcher). Pretty neat. Check it out.

Throw potatos at him

shoot it down with a bb gun

Conan : I was watching the show and wondering why the hell you didn't use gun totting Jesus to bring done that raccoon. Use Him and that raccoon is doom..

Ninja Stars with a print out of Arnold schwarzenegger's face on them

lasso it

USE NINJA STARS 2 GET THT FUCKKERRRR DOWNNNNN WOOOOO CONAN IS THE MAN.......
PS I GOTTA FRIEND THT LOOOKS LIKE U I WANNA SEND U A PICTURE OF HIM BUT I DONT NO WHERE 2 SEND IT

Shoot the thing with a strawberry jelly cannon. It would be messy & fun.

Perhaps connan should get a blindfold and a long stick and pretend it's a pinata? Hey, at least it's within your budget for this show.

In salute to barack obama. Shoot little bush dolls and cheney dolls at the raccoon to signify it leaving. (If you wanted Conan use John Stewart and Steven Colbert)

KIRRRBYYYY
(>^,,^)>

declare nuclear war on the squirrel and then in the middle of the night just pull it off and throw it on the ground

YOU COULD LET BILL BELICHEK FILM THE RACCOON FOR A FEW DAYS AND THEN USE THE STRATEGY YOU FIND FROM THE TAPES. HE LIKES TAPING THINGS LIKE THAT.

blind it with your bare chest

I think the real problem here Conan is not that we haven't found a way to bring the raccoon down, but we need to LURE the raccoon down. They have a steady diet of plants and small animals such as frogs, and other things of that nature. Line the floor below the raccoon with its favorite treats and you are sure to clear up your rodent problem.

Do a Barrel Roll

After exhausting every typical means of annihilating a flying raccoon, may I suggest projectile vomit? The raccoon, who is a natural scavenger, would scent the previously consumed food particles and would thusly be interested in the mass flying of puke rapidly approaching it. Assuming the gut bomb made contact, the weight of the now air bourn stomach chunks would bring him into a slow decent harming neither the raccoon nor studio audience.

However if this fails I heard your engineering department has devised a means of controlling rockets by means of turtle power, a.k.a. “The Turtle Rocket.”

just rip it down

use a potato Gun,also known as a "Spud Gun"

come down on the zipline and kick the raccoon out of orbit, the same way you saved abe! it was pretty effective in that case, i dont see why it cant be just as effective for the raccoon.

Charles Barkley on stilts.

We should kill two birds with one stone (no metaphoric pun intended, actually): simply have our very own errant U.S. Satellite collide with it in orbit, thereby ensuring the destruction of both horribly mismanaged monstrosities.....

you need the help of none other than..... macgiver and or walker texas ranger to achieve this.... make it happen Conan

Let Larry hunt that racoon out of orbit Conan. That'd be awesome.

Couldn't you just kindly approach the Screeching Raccoon and ask him/her to come down? If you're polite, maybe he/she will oblige you. You never know.

Hey Conan how about a nice high powered paintball gun. You can shoot the racoon and paint it at the same time.

Ninja Stars with a print out of Arnold schwarzenegger's face on them

You should let the masturbating bear throw the insult dog at him or the racoon will be so scared of the masturbating bear and just fly away

Make it smoke crack! It'll come down...oneday.

shoot the racooon down with the gun that shoots out a net. or pop it with a bb gun. but i think the best way to do wit would be the same way you saved lincoln on the zip line

Get the The Great Throwdini to throw knives at him. Or get Arnold Schwarzenegger to dress up like the Terminator and say hasta lavista raccoon and shoot at him with a shotgun.

You need a professional Conan. You need an old school blaster named Davey Crocket!

Clearly the most logical way to get the raccoon down is to let loose a bunch of angry Girl Scout troops, with long wooden dowels to smack it or to launch the dowels at it the raccoon. What’s more fearsome and accurate than angry little girls? That’s right, there is nothing more frightening. Well except maybe Hillary Clinton.

How about a screaming badger launched from a trebuchet, on fire!!

or the vomiting kermit attacks it.

Dont you have writers to come up with this stuff?

Lower the raccoon just a bit, blindfold Conan and give him a bat. Pinata time! The audience could shout out directions and lead him to the raccoon.

Dress Conan up like a cowboy and have him use a lasso to try and rope the raccoon and rip it down.

Or you could try a Medieval approach and use a bow and arrows (without actual sharp arrows).

Somehow get Mr. T involved. He's a crowd favorite.

Ninja Stars with a print out of Arnold schwarzenegger's face on them

Use the laser beams of the evil puppy

Shooting down the raccoon isn't going to work; they need to send a man up there to take it down. Specifically Conan can go up on his zip line and rocket boots.

Bring me on the show and Ill shoot it down with my bow with a blunt tip arrow.. Hit it on first try.

Well originally my idea was to shoot more flaming, screeching raccoons with jetpacks at it, out of a medieval catapult..... but you shot down that idea pretty quick... What you should do to knock it down is bring back your knife throwing guy from a few nights ago.... his skill and precision will surely knock it out of orbit!

throw ninja stars or shoot laser guns

you should send Bush after the raccoon... bush would run in circles for HOURS before he even noticed where he was, and the raccoon would be scared down... or send open-jawed gov. Arnold Shartz-whatshisname after him... if he chased me, i would be scared SHITLESS

I think that you shoud you should use a rapid-firing paintball gun, preferably an Ego 08 paintball gun. It can shoot 27 paintballs per second so odds are you'll land one (although, after watching conan shoot the tennis balls, it's not looking good)

Thanks,
Jory and Joel from SUNY Oswego

Have Chuck Norris come by and round house kick it down.

Bring back the Great Throwdini! And if he can't do it I'm sure Target-girl Tina can.

Javier Bardem should come in with his CO2 powered weapon and blow that poor annoying rocket raccoon out of the studio sky...

have the sjacked up steriod maryland terp, fly off a ramp to snach him down, we all know the natural enemy of a flyin raccoon is a turtle.

Throw or devise a way to launch garbage can lids at the racoon for revenge after leaving your unwanted junk all over your driveway .

potato launcher, tshirt gun,

Two words:
Harpoon gun

Have the masterbating bear shoot the tennis ball launcher and after he hits the racoon he can do his celebration for the audience

throw plates or a swordfish
or maybe a boomerang

Let's cater to animal activists and have the raccoon shoot back at the same time.

PAINTBALL GUN!!!!

have the audience throw vegetables at it or something

THROW ONE OF SHAQ'S SHOES AT THE RACCOON. YOU CANNOT MISS.

Well the key to this is to bring back the zip line. With all the rockets on the feet but instead of the helmet, dress in Rambo attire. Zip down to the stage, take out your fully automatic paintball gun and mow that varmint down. In the words of Carl Spackler "the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontage.. I think?"

Water balloons and sling shot! (Or also it might work, try shooting 'em from the air cannon.)
For a fun, even messier variation... "Shaving Cream Balloons"!!!

Take out the racoon with the zipline!

Abe vigoda dressed as a Mexican swinging a stick, blindfolded hitting the raccoon out of orbit like a pinata.

-OR-

Conan zip-line into the raccoon kicking it out of orbit.

If you do anything....shoot something to do with McCain. I laughed my ass off when you showed that clip of McCain....Conan you are a god!

throw or shoot ROCKS at the freaking thing.
You could also use a paintball gun. rocks might be to dangerous.

First of all, Larry the Cable Guy was on the show. How come he couldn't get the raccoon?

It is clear that this task requires a guided missile. Build a Bill Clinton Missile and program it to where the computer thinks the raccoon is an Obama supporter.

You should stuff Stewart and Colbert in a canon and fire them up there Evil Kinievel style. Then fire Mike Huckabee out of the thing just for fun

MASTER CHEIF COULD SHOOT HIM DOWN!!!!!!!

Mime lifting a piano over the racoon with a rope and when the racoon is dangling underneath the precariously placed piano you should pantomime cutting the rope. This is obviously the only valid and logical choice for bringing down a screeching racoon. This is also my suggestion for capturing Osama Bin Laden.

The Texas way to do this is as follows....

Get a 12 Pack of Shiner Bock, a step-ladder, a Lewisville Slugger...and bring that sumbitch down.

Or...

Get a 12 Pack of Shiner Bock, lawn sling shot, and a watermelon...or any fruit of your choice....and bring that sumbitch down.

OR......

Take the stunt out side.....Get a 12 Pack of Shiner Bock, a twelve gauge double barrel shotgun.......and bring that sum uma bitch down.

Cheers!

you could use some ninjakoo...

You could also use a paintball gun.. or even do pin the tail on the donkey with Conan and blindfold him, give him a bit, and let him swing away.

Conan and Friends,

If you recall, Mike Huckabee semi-recently admitted to catching, killing, and microwaving raccoons for consumption while he was in college. Since Conan MADE Huckabee, Conan can make Huckabee catch, kill, microwave and eat a raccoon. Is there any way you can contact the Huckabee campaign and get permission to do something like this? I would appreciate it. A lifelong viewer.

you should take a giant super charged toaster and shoot it down with toast.

Toasted raccoon - its whats for dinner

Have Roger Clemens throw and/or hit Dennis Kucinich at the Raccoon. Bonus if Kucinich is dressed as a Leprechaun.

Have Chuck Norris round house kick it down or Tony Sirico (Paulie Walnuts) beat it with a bat.

Attack it with a remote control helicopter. Put a projectile launcher on it, or just a big boxing glove, or just crash the chopper into the raccoon. Air attack = best choice.

take posters of the movie "Barbed Wire" and hold it up to the crafty devil. The combination of spinning above the audiance and flashes of huge breasts with blonde hair will have the hairy nomad fleeing and screaming into the Latenight

2 words: BASEBALL BAT instead of shooting it down actually hit the stuffing out of it like a pinata. that way u cant miss it!!!

a. Shoot Max Weinberg at it. b. Throw Max Weinberg's Drum Sticks at it.

Have The Nuge shoot it down with a bow, cause you know he's delt with this sort of thing before.

cut it down and then let nascar jesus run over it!

Have Max drum with a bucket of drumsticks next to him. While Max continues to drum with one hand throw drum sticks at it with the other hand.

OK... this mission is very important and requires major heavyweights. Ted Nugent, I hear, is a great shot with an arrow. But the raccoon can't be defenseless... it will require Bruce Campbell in full Army of Darkness regalia for protection. But wait... is that Chuck Norris coming down from the audience to fight Bruce Campbell so the Nuge can make the shot??? The potential for drama is killing me!

okie dokie i think u should rope it
u know like laso
it would be pretty sweet man pretty sweet

get la bamba into a slingshot and shoot la bamba at the raccoon

Have the racoon catch sight of La Bamba, La Bamba catch sight of it, and have them fall madly in love with each other (romantic music playing at this point), and the racoon will try to jump out of orbit and jump toward La Bamba as the 2 wander off-stage riding into the sunset together.

SHOOT SHARP FLYING DISCS AT HIM. DAMN RACCOON WILL NOT KNOW WHAT HIT HIM.

to defeat this threat there is only one thing that can stop it, the racoons only enemy the truck. using a more powerful cannon launch a truck at it.

When one has a problem of such annoyance, one must face one's fears face-face! You have to face your fear Conan! That happens to be a very evil minded annoying, yet rare, orbiting raccoon. To face your current particular problem you must beat it, the raccoon, with the jetpack! Good luck Conan and remember "the force is with you."

I hope this pep talk was of some use to your issues. Again Good Luck!

Either a spear or a javelin would be great. I'm picturing Conan (and/or Max, of course) dressing up as a Medeival warrior complete with shield and helm, and then flinging spears at it until it pierces the jetpack and sends it careening 'safely' back down to earth.

And if that doesn't work, maybe you could coerce it down with a horny manatee?

Hello Conan and Staff,

There is only one way, and one way only, to bring down the screeching raccoon from its monopolizing orbit and rid it from the atmosphere forever. Follow the following the steps and your problem will be solved:

1) Hire the masturbating bear.
2) Hire vomiting Kermit the Frog.
3) Place the neck of Vomiting Kermit the Frog near the nether regions of the masturbating bear.
4) The masturbating bear's motions should propel Kermit's vomit into the screeching raccoon, causing him to fall into a pile of Kermit's mess, thus saving the studio audience forever.

Thank you.

Abe Bagotta climbs a ladder and cuts it qown while the masterbating bear masterbates underneath them

Get the The Great Throwdini to throw knives at him or get Arnold Schwarzenegger to dress up like The Terminator and say hasta lavista raccoon and shoot him down with a shotgun.

OK!! remember how u had the zipline going on? well i think u should zipline towards the raccoon and kick it....

throw racoon food at it and if it dosen't hit it, it will come down and you can have animal control take it away!

Shoot a net gun at that ol' sun of a bitch!

get cheerleaders to make a pyramid and conan be on the top to take that coon down!

All that screaming and flying around in circles seems like a hemroid problem to me...and that's my professional opinion. Have Preperation-H Ramond come to the rescue! The racoon is not so bad. He is just misunderstood...see?

Launch Conan from Pierre Bernard Recliner of Rage in a jet pack at the Raccon

Try the air cannon from the scaffolding above the set.

Shoot Joel Godard at it. Or at least the Joel Godard dummy.

Conan,
With help from fellow pale crime fighter Jim Gaffigan use your paleness to blast it out of the sky.

try shooting it down by flinging stuff at it with a giant sling shot...good luck!

-Potato Gun
-Famous person throw a football/baseball/etc
-Super Soaker
-Toy Airplane
-Send a Monkey after it
-Throw plates at it
-Make a ramp and have a car launch into it

I can't think of anything more difficult and fun than to set up a mat in front of the raccoon and drive golf balls at him. We would get to see how well you can play golf as well as, if you can hit him, a massacre of the raccoon.

Use a lasso to rope the racoon and yank it down.

Let Abe Vigoda handle it. Or Joel give it a strip tease to chase it away

Here is how you get the Raccoon down:

1. Get NASCAR Jesus to shoot and wound the raccoon
2. Then proceeding to run him over making him road kill.
3. Since it is NASCAR Jesus he will want to eat the raccoon and share with others. Then miraculously everyone in the audience has their own road kill raccoon to eat.

Get on your mobile desk, grab a baseball bat, and knock that sucker down!

I think you should have Abe Vigoda yell outdated catch phrases at it.

Conan Obrien would not be able to shoot that raccoon down if it was stayin still right infront of his FACE! But I, Stephen Colbert, on the other hand could shoot him down while moving in 1000m radii circles at 150m/h with tiny pebbles if he was 100 000 000 000 miles away! BEAT THAT CONAN! You can't out-shoot THE MAN!
Watch The Colbert Report every night on The Comedy Network at 11pm eastern time because it is MUCH BETTER than The Late Show With Conan "I Made Huckaby" Obrien

There is only one way to take down that raccoon. Go down the zip line you had on the show a few weeks ago along with your rocket boots. At the bottom of the zip line, sneaky John Wilkes Booth will be trying to make another attempt in killing our beloved President Abraham Lincoln. I believe Conan, if you can hit Booth JUST RIGHT....his bullet will miss Lincoln completely and it will shoot the raccoon down from space once and for all!!! USA....USA....USA!!!!!!!

Don't even shoot the raccoon down. Either challenge it to a guitar rock off or use a tranquilizer gun or blow dart.

Conan use a boomering to bring that Raccoon down....

Conan should throw a steel-rimmed bowler hat, like Oddjob in the James Bond Goldfinger movie.

Throw water balloons at it. Maybe you'll short him out. But the way you aimed with the tennis ball launcher I don't think you can do it. Good luck my cute Irish man. Barb

you should get a tub of water. put it under the raccoon. tell people it's a carnival game. then they will give you money to throw pots, tennis balls, explosives, or what other random ovjects you maybe equipped with to knock down that flying menace.

My idea is...

Put Conan in a superman suit, and have him fly up (using some sort of cable) and knock it down with a baseball bat, a tennis racket, etc. Alternatively, just make him throw a baseball bat, a tennis racket, etc at it from the ground.

Fly a remote-control helicopter into the raccoon.

Why is the flying raccoon a bad thing? Why must we always destroy what we don't understand?

you get a buzuka, sniper rifle, gernade launcherl, tank or little planes & make them fly into it or get a helicoptor with sizzors & somehow make it cut the string or get a clip of an A-BOMB & show it then have the ratcoon be vapperized or something like that, MOOHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! ^.^

well conan just take out samuri sword and swing away!!

Have a pro pitcher or quarterback tag him from long distance.

The best way to get the job done would require your announcer Joel Godard, his Asian boy toy, and ping pong balls. Have the Asian boy toy put ping pong balls in Joel's mouth and then have him give Joel the heimlich manuever. The heimlich manuever has to be done in a very erotic manner or the ping pong balls will never get the trajectory needed to hit that abomination.

Use a firemans hose!

You could try getting closer to your target and by using something larger than a tennis ball to bat it down with. Or call the fire department they have high enough ladders to reach it ! LOL

- Drive into it with the motorized desk.

- Get one of the super bowl rocket turtles to fly into it.

- Shoverine throws shoes at it.

- Comet comes in throw the "window"

- Get NBA 2008 Dunk Contest winner, Dwight Howard, to bring it down with the "Superman Dunk" (Refer to 2008 Dunk Contest Footage)

I also support bringing back the Great Throwdini

Shoot dog and cat food at it. They have a prefrence for it.

http://www.loomcom.com/raccoons/info/feeding.html

It would be awesome to get Chuck Norris to just come on, walk over, reach up, and take the raccoon down. Simple, but Chuck Norris saves the day.

Otherwise use an automatic baseball pitcher used for batting pracitce. Also, you could use a fishing pole. That's how we got some keys down off of the roof of my buddy's apartment on night.

Any of these would work.
~Thanks,
Derek Dunlap
Texas

Have another German Laser Light Show. The racoon(and LaBamba) should jump down to get jiggy with it.

Conan...Conan...Conan...
All you have to do is stand beside the raccoon for about 2 seconds, allowing the raccoon to see what you look like, and it will DIE OF FREIGHT! you could kill anything by looking at it! Jesus! Just from watching your show ONCE i nearly had a heart attack! So, look at the raccoon for about two seconds and your problem will be SOLVED

Conan and Friends,

Another suggestion. Is it possible to use the German Laser Light Show to somehow bring the raccoon down? If Conan can make the laser sleep, surely he can make it kill.

-A lifelong viewer

It would be awesome to get Chuck Norris to just come on, walk over, reach up, and take the raccoon down. Simple, but Chuck Norris saves the day.

Otherwise use an automatic baseball pitcher used for batting pracitce. Also, you could use a fishing pole. That's how we got some keys down off of the roof of my buddy's apartment on night.

Any of these would work.
~Thanks,
Derek Dunlap
Texas

Shoot dat raccoon w/a crossbow shooting arrows..maybe on fire or rubber chickens. Maybe a few Red Nose Pit Bulls to jump, lock & pull that mutha down!!

Feed Roger Clemens some Flinstone HGH Vitamins, then let him throw fastballs. 3 strikes or less, the indictment was just "a joke". 4 balls or more, slap the P (perjury) word on him.

What would Huckabee do? He said something on the news about frying a squirrel in a popcorn maker while in college...

Have Brett Favre throw a football at the raccoon...it will explode upon impact.
OR

have Frank Caliendo as John Madden talk to the raccoon for a while until it kills itself.

get david beckham(or any other soccer or football star) to kick balls at it

have abe vigoda angrily poke the miserable marmot from the sky with a broomstick

- Drive into it with the motorized desk.

- Get one of the super bowl rocket turtles to fly into it.

- Shoeverine throws shoes at it.

- Comet comes in through the "window"

- Get NBA 2008 Dunk Contest winner, Dwight Howard, to bring it down with the "Superman Dunk" (Refer to 2008 Dunk Contest Footage)

Use a paint ball gun. Get a automatic high powered paint ball gun with a lazer sight and shoot that sucker full of paint.

hit it with a flying baby jesus

Conan a great idea for shooting down the raccoon is with a airsoft gun. Almost like a BB gun, it would be hilarious to see Conan dressed in Camo trying to hit this raccoon down like a true soldier would. for this to work, conan must have "war paint" below his eyes. Saving the audience in army gear will prove Conan to be a true hero.

Get Abe Vigoda to climb on a ladder and hit it down with a shovel.

Dress up LaBamba in a giant quail costume, have him run around stage, and let Dick Cheney shoot at him with a shotgun. Eventually hitting the raccoon and possibly LaBamba too.

BLIND FOLD MAX AND HAVE HIM THROW MIDGETS AT IT

BURN THE MOTHER-FU**ER!!!! WATCH THE WHOLE STATION BURN UP IN SMOKE!!!! BURN, BURN, BBBBUUUURRRRNNNN!!!! FIRE IS LOVELY!!!!

You should have Abe Vigoda become Jedi Master Abe Vi"Yoda" and use the force to fly up and beat the racoon down with his lightsaber.

Shoot the damn thing down with pine cones from a giant sling shot!!!

go big, go with a nuke. That's right, nuke the biotch!!

Get Vomiting Kermit to hit it with barf that I'll knock it down.

Give Conan a bat and blind fold him.

He should attempt to hit the racoon like a pinata.

the lady in labor who shoots babies is funny as hell. why not have her shoot babies up in the air at the raccoon. im cracking up just thinking about it.

invite huckabee to come and save the audience in the nick of time by prayer alone

Here is a great idea!!!

Shoot the raccoon with the net gun that Rob and Big used. That will slow it down for you. Then try and kit it with the tennis ball air gun again. That would be hilarious.

Bruce @ Illinois State University

just rambo the hell out of it its that simple AIR MACHINE GUNS

I think you should leave the raccoon up there. He isnt doin any harm, and when he does, it will probably be harming Conan, nobody else. That is FINE... he has a bunch of money for hospital care, and when needed we can take him off life support because nobody will care. Don't deny it... it's VERY VERY true

I'd like to see the Masturbating Bear fire ham at the raccoon.mmmm, ham.

JUST LET THE BATTERIES DIE!!!

alright, the solution to this potentially dangerous and disastrous problem is simple and obvious...
Kool Aid filled balloons with a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger's face from the basket ball game plastered on them.

go big, go with a nuke. you go back out, with the gun you had before. Shoot of one shoot and as soon as it gets close to the 'coon you would cut to a clip of a nuke going off. then go back to the rope where the 'coon was and it would be vaporized. muhaha

I thought at first a potato gun...seems a lot of people did too. Try this: Audience participation or, Labamba, Max, the intern and you ALL have your own way. Such as Max might think the spud gun, you may want to hail it with a paintball gun, Labamba may want to use a BB gun (a fast shooting one) the intern dude can come up with a picture of your favorite dummy (like Rosey O'Donnel) and hold it up while the thing drops dead from seeing it. Then make a contest out of it and run the video in high speed to watch it slow motion. Then if not successful, it runs another night (which would be up to you as you stage it..... However this offers you quite a few options on the stage. It will take some practise but maybe this could present a few good videos too. How about Late Night Special Forces?

Send in the Radio Controled Apaches. These are pretty easy to fly with just a bit of practice. Lets see how the Racoon holds up to the RC attack helicopters ramming it lol

These are just 129.00 so economical as well.

Strap turtle to a rocket, and send them at the raccoon.

Chinese stars! That's right, throwing Chinese Stars at the racoon could be hilarious. It would be amazing to see the true skills of Conan, plus you hitthe raccoon hard enough, it could slice it up. Ninja outfit should be included!

have vomitting kermit spray vomit at it

hey larry sherwood.....shut the fuck up.....stop typing on the internet about animal rights god forbid you wake up and see on CNN that i killed myself reading your post.....dumbass

Have you thought about the fact that you are feeding some nut job ideas that it is okay to hang animals by a rope and abuse them. Young people look up to you, and all you have to do is see how terrible the acts of miserable people do terrible things not only to humans, but also to animals.
Why don't you stop this and explain live on your program that life is too precious and that this could be sending the wrong message.
It would be unfortunate if you turn on CNN one morning and find out that a group of kids were caught mutilating an animal because they saw you doing it on your show.
Yes, you have some type of prop racoon, but you can be sure they will grab some unexpecting cat or dog and abuse it.
You know I'm not the only one appalled at this.
Do the right thing!
Thank You, Larry Sherwood.

Have the horny manatee hump it.

Call the maintenance guy or animal control.

EITHER CALL THE ANIMAL SHELTER OR GET P.E.T.A. TO
COME TO THE RESCUE AND GET IT TO SAFETY OR MAKE A FUR COAT OUT OF IT.

Have the wild man himself Mr. Ted Nugent Shoot him down with a flaming arrow.

Invite a baseball player to come in and see how many throws it takes to knock it out of orbit. And cut to a shot of Suzy because she likes being on TV and is absolutely adorable.

DAVID BOWIE/ZIGGY STARDUST HELPS FIGHT THE BATTLE WITH HIS OWN GUN BECAUSE HE HAS A VENDETTA

It seems like you have a serious problem on your hands... a few suggestions..
1) Since raccoons are scavengers.. lure the raccoon down with a dumpster full of the NBC trash (ie. NBC shows that failed miserably)
2)Call in Jeff Corwin... he should know how to handle a savage raccoon with a jet-pack
3)Use trash can lids like frisbees
4)Call in a big grizzly bear (from the movie The Hedge)
5) Get closer with the air gun!!Expect shoot apples or oranges or something.

you could go back and take a few more failed shots. then be like "man, you know what would really take this guy out?" then call out "KOOLAID" then he would bust in and take the sucker out.

Holy crap lot of people really care about getting this raccoon... I wonder how PETA is gunna respond to this?

They probably don't watch Conan. But if they did they would probably make Conan take it down gently and put it back in its own environment. Damn raccoon lovers.

personally i like the potato gun as i have seen many other people do as well, but i think your best bet would be to launch 2 tennis balls that are tethered to each other at the raccoon

also a good way to get it down would be a clay pigeon thrower only rig it to use CD's that no one wants... like anything by any of the "winners" of american idol...

the only other possibility would be to show the raccoon an episode of the tonight show and I'm sure the raccoon would simply douse itself in gasoline and set itself on fire to dull the pain of watching Jay Lenno try to be funny.

Conan!!! You should have the horny manatee come out and beat the raccoon down with a baseball bat. That would be pretty amazing!

me? i'm a problem solver.

http://img529.imageshack.us/img529/1659/thatdamnracoonseriouslymt5.jpg

Conan,
I think the racoon should jump on Labamba's shiny, bald head by putting cookies on him while Max and the viewers laugh.
P.S. Good luck Labamba......NOT.

Conan, I know he is probably hibernating right now, but just think how pissed he will be when you wake up good ol' Masturbating Bear. You send him down on the zip-line or have him jump on a trampoline in order to grab the pesky coon and let him have his way with it. If Masturbating Bear is busy, call in Mike Huckabee.

Have a master archer shoot the raccoon out of orbit with an arrow.

or i guess you could throw guitars at it

not only would that be hilarious, it would rock out loud

Get Abe Vigoda to climb a ladder and swing at with a baseball bat.

In the year 2000 Conan swings across the studio on a rope like Tarzan and blasts the jet pack raccoon out of the sky with his caveman like club.

gee... nice work geetting the racoon down, I supose that it is easier to just go off the air insted of putting real effort in actions to SAVE YOUR AUDIANCE!!!

Bring small Latino children into the studio, convince them the raccoon with a jet pack is a pinata, and have them beat at the circling raccoon with a bat.

Oh! Another thought is you could have Abe Vigodah come out and either beat the raccoon or wrestle it. Something along those lines!

Conan, as I understand it with your extremely large wingspan, you can reach to the stars. That being said, not only can you take down the racoon from your desk, but maybe the Navy should employ you to take down the satelite. John Stewart would be forever envious of your stature.

Have triumph insult the raccoon till he is shamed into getting down

I'm going to have to agree with the horny manatee. But to exaggerate... after beating the raccoon down, the manatee should take the raccoon to Conan's desk... and then censor the rest.

I recommend another trip down the zip-line. A Kung Fu outfit and old time round spaceman helmet would obviously be required. Or max should throw drumsticks at it, which might save you a few bucks.

Have eli manning ball him down . Or the American gladiators. Have a pressure washer hooked up to vomiting Kirmit the frog and blast him down with vomit. Also call the m.f. Blue man group. They definatly know . And also just wanted to let everyone know that im not down with the giants. Im a bears fan . F everyone.

JEERS CONAN! Please be kind to raccoons (and all animals)by NOT swinging them around in the air and shooting at them with anything!

Want to bring the Raccoon down? Do your monologue twice.

JEERS CONAN! Please be kind to raccoons (and all animals)by NOT swinging them around in the air and shooting at them with anything!

Let Larry the cable guy shoot the raccoon with the ever so powerful Tim Gun!

Shoot Abe Vagoda (replace with super secret dummy) out of a giant cannon, With full Evil Knevil atire.

Launch Chuck Norris at the hairy little astronaut... That or tell the U.S. Govt. that the raccoon is hiding w.m.d.'s in his jet pack.

Its simple, have a set of trash cans close to the raccoon. One filled with trash (maybe even space-trash), the other Vominting Kermit. Hoping to put out the jetpack. or maybe it just chokes on the space-trash.

God Speed

Send up a helium balloon with Rumer Willis' face taped to it. That should scare it down.

First of all, you need to get the element of suprise. May I suggest a tree stand commonly used for deer hunting. Animals don't look up nearly as much as straight ahead, and it will help reduce your scent around it. Next, you can use a bolas to neutralize your target. Seeing our aim with the tennis balls, maybe you should think about useing something like another racoon to gain its trust and blammo, use the little laser that was attached to its back.

Have joel the announcer stare okwardly at the racoon untill it chooses to change its own path.

Paintballs...

I just got done doing an entire illustration of eli manning throwing footballs at the raccoon and I come here where there was only one comment earlier now there are 400 with many suggesting the same thing. How depressing...

throw dildos named channey at it

Please do what must be done and get the NERF cannon from American Gladiators in the studio and take that fuckin' raccoon down... NBC inter-show hookup, right?

So there are a lot of good ideas here. I'm thinking that the top five should be taken... then have turtles on rockets race to see which idea is used.

Conan in a jet pack launched from Pierre Bernard Recliner of Rage

You can shoot whatever you want at the rodent but he will only continue to taunt you. The only way to totally stop his orbiting jeers will be to send his mortal enemy the Vociferating Fisher with a Dirigible to take him down!!!

You should get a group of people and arm them with automatic fire paintball guns and shoot the raccoon firing squad style. I am sure it will work thats how we do it at the farm.

Have Stephen Colbert perform a "Power Bump" knocking the racoon out of orbit and straight into the lead of the republican primary. Which Conan of course can and should take credit for.

Let the racoon naturally come down, falling into the crowd creating a firey havoc.

So what you do is, take a sword in one hand, and a pole vaulting pole in the other hand. And you pole vault up to the raccoon, then, proceed to cut him down from his orbit.

have jenny finch come in and pitch softballs at it.

Have football players kick balls at it. or have max throw his drumb sticks at it.

Use one of those football launchers they use at halftime shows to launch the shit out of footballs at high speeds.

Take that Raccoon VIRTUALLY! With pasty world of War craft geeks. Raccoons are obviously afraid of the glow from a pasty gamer he will be blinded by the glare of the gamers skin!

Watch The Colbert Report every night on The Comedy Network at 11pm eastern time because it is MUCH BETTER than The Late Show With Conan "I Made Huckaby" Obrien

February 19, 2008 Posted by Stephen Colbert

ooh... Stephen Colbert brought the "I made Huckaby" back up in 1 of the comments above, even though you Conan beat him & John both into the ground your going to get to beat him again!!! oh & have Chuck Norris round house kick the racoon out of the sky or make him go bang with his hand (the finger gun thing)& him say "bang", shooting the communist racoon out of the sky

Wouldn't it be funny, since he made such a big deal of it, if he used a model of Schawrzane... Schwarzan... whatever with its mouth open (like on the clip) to shoot down the raccoon?

Have Dwight Howard (Superman) come in and fly up and grab the racoon thus defeeting it and all that are against America. Amen.

Conan, it has become apparently clear what you must do. First in order to shoot down the raccoon you must dress La Bamba like little Orphan Annie. While this is an important and pivotal part of the process, it has absolutely nothing to do with shooting down the raccoon. If your like me you like your La Bamba homeless with no future. Next, possibly while Randy Jackson is a guest, position a mannequin with the cutout of Simon Cowell's face bending over pointing at the raccoon. Unbeknown to Jackson, each time he says dude or dog, a rocket is fired out of the mannequins behind at the raccoon. Each time the rocket is fired from the behind, a sound bite of Cowell will say "that was unpleasant" or whatever catchphrase works that could be a double entendre.

Or

You could have a mannequin with the face of Donald Trump shoot rockets out of his behind, while giving a soundbite of him saying "Your fired".

Both involve La Bamba dressed up like little orphan annie, trust me, this is the only logical choice in shooting down the raccoon

what would last longer? Arnold keeping his mouth open or the raccoons battery life??

whip out an acoustic guitar and sing a lullaby with john mayer until raccoon & jetpack fall under your sleeping spell or perhaps the two of you could serenade the raccoon down from orbit

Idea 1: Beef Recall Vomiting Kermit (Vomit Cannon)
Idea 2: Crying Hillary Clinton (Tear Cannon)

tell it that it has to live with Max. it will jump to its death.

throw a member of the crowd at it. make sure there light but heavy enough to take him down!

Send the Governator into orbit to capture it in his big, dumb, open mouth.

Bring in the kicks to shoot basketballs at it. Oh well I guess that wont work either. sorry for such a BAD idea.

Conan,
Definately a job for the Horny Manatee!
The Racoon cannot resist the seductive dance of "I touch myself" and will come down where you can either ambush said Racoon, or let the Manatee love it to death!
Good Luck!

Conan you should jump of a Trampoline and slice that Raccoons Head OFF with a Sword !!!!!

What soothes the savage beast? Music! Specifically the rockabilly serenade of the Conan Weinberg 7 Connection. While the monster is subdued, a giant spining ring severs the rabid raccoon's vertabrae!

Screeching Raccoon

Screeching Raccoon in the sky,
How I wonder how you fly,
Up above that red-haired guy,
With a jet pack flying high,
When the red-haired guy is gone,
You’re still up there all alone,
Now you have to understand,
Screeching Raccoon, time to land,
If you don’t, we don’t care,
We’ll blow off your underwear!

Since the raccoon is in orbit, you should fire "UFO" saucers that have edges sharp enough to cut the wire. Basically make a railgun using magents, current, etc. and replace the projectile rail with your cutting edge saucers. Maybe have the audience throw asteroids at it first just for fun. Then Conan can come out and save the day!

Have Max Weinberg stare the raccoon until it explodes!

I've got a backup plan in the unlikely case that Joel and his Asian boy toy can't get it. In that case, clearly the only other option would be to have Prparation H Raymond come out with a sling shot device and launch tubes of Preparation H at it. That is a sure fire way to rid ourselves from the irriation of that orbiting hemorrhoid.

I say Conan comes down on the zipline and kicks it off its string bringing it to its demise!!!!!!

max weignerberg should throw his drum sticks at him!

Bring in some kids to attack it with Air Hogs helicopters or try snag it with a fly fishing rod

you should shoot ( by shoot i mean hang) an astronaut into it's orbitand have him wack it down with a bat!!!

he should have Winona Ryder shoot ping pong balls from her twat

you should shoot ( by shoot i mean hang) an astronaut into it's orbit and have him wack it down with a bat!!!

Abe Vigota, dressed in a tight tank top and Daisy Duke shorts, sings the theme to the Dukes of Hazzard as John Schneider enters the stage in a golf cart version of the General Lee. Mr.Schneider shoots down the small woodland creature using a stick of dynamite fired from a bow and arrow.

get bob barker to throw plinko chips at it!

Nuke the Bastard.

hey conan i think you should use a paint ball gun to shoot the racoon down.

Conan,
I have had this same problem before, just on a smaller scale and instead of a screeching coon it was a pesky bat.

Anyway the best way to go about removing this pesky coon is to indeed shoot it down. instead of using a air cannon and tennis balls, try using a high pressure co2 tank and a barrage of tennis balls.

Do you see where I am going?

One tennis ball at low power no good.

Many tennis ball's at high power..

DO IT.

You need a water balloon slingshot. You know the kind that takes three people to fire. One man on each end and one to pull back and release. I also sugest using the tennis balls that you used to fire from the weak ass air cannon!

I don’t know about you guys but I think Conan is going about this all wrong… Why try to shoot down this Screeching Raccoon when we could just have Chuck Norris round house the damn thing out of it’s orbit…

I don’t know about you guys but I think Conan is going about this all wrong… Why try to shoot down this Screeching Raccoon when we could just have Chuck Norris round house the damn thing out of it’s orbit…

Have Conan come in on the zip line and kick the Raccoon out of orbit (similar to that of when he saved Lincoln).

Sorry for the double post but, my name is Alex Cook, not Alex Cool. Just if that's important.

Oh Conan leave that poor raccoon alone. My goodness. Max you left your underwear at my house.

Have the turtle rocket ships fly in and blow the raccoon up and just before they collide the turtles eject and float safely to the ground with parachutes; at which point they are run over by a vehicle in the street.

I think you should use the turtle strapped to a rocket to shoot the Raccoon out of space! I drew a picture just for illustration!

http://www.lastyearportrait.com/conan_idea.jpg

I think Dave needs to pull the Potato's from his ears!

As an Illinois native (and Barrack Obama can attest to this) That it was a infestation of Flying Squirrels in Wisconsin that did occur in 1908 alright, As it was twharted by "Ping Pong Ball pump air rifles firing small ping pong ball sized cheese balls" that knocked the flying squirrels out of the skies as they caught the "cheese ping pong balls" and ate them forgetting to keep their flight stablized they fell to the ground as they continued eating them thus putting on extra weight that grounded them and quickly addicted them to cheese balls. We In Illinois were concerned that these once flying squirrels would invade Illinois but that never happened because all our Cheese balls went into politics and only a few of them remained in Illinois beyond the age of electability,most of whom went to Washington, Callifornia or other parts of the country to follow their political ambitions, while numerous others of them chose to become lobbiests.

Four known flying squirrels escaped to Tennasee 1. Rockie vowed to return one day and fill the skies to avenge the loss of fellow flying squirrels fortunately he became domisticated when he mated with Tenn. native raccons (he named his first born Rocky Jr.) yes the famous Rocky the raccoon of Tennasee fame. #2.Willy choose to mate with rabbits and his first born "Bunnn" ventured out to become a well paid animal actor activist but un-wittingly saved a then fledging and floundering Captain Kangaroo TV show by pelting Captain Kangaroo & Mr. Green Jeans with millions of Ping Pong Balls, originaly they were filled with lead and had a "Super-Ball" shell,However,this Original hate crime retaliation caught on as children and adults alike mistook it for a comedy bit. Mr. Green Jeans not wanting to be jobless again brought "Bunn" his "Special Home Grown" carrot's and offered "Bunn" a fat lucrative contract that included guarranteed quanities and exclusivity to "Bunn" of the "Mr. Green Jeans' Special Home Grown Carrots",this quenched his thirst for revenge. The contract also provided a clause banning the filling of ping pong balls insisting that all ping pong balls must be hollow non-filled standard table tennis Ping Pong balls. #3. Oscar the flying squirrel warned Thelma that they will be hunted down and killed, just before he immediately took off for the west,only keeping in touch with her after she left Rockie (because she & he were childhood friends).
#4. Thelma,ex-spouse of Rockie left him when she caught him fooling around with a Raccoon went west and re-married to Oscar and started re-populating Flying squirrels and as she still had a spot in her heart for Rockie named her 1st.newborn flying squirrel Rocky who later went on to team up with a moose named Bulwinkle and became a television icon and role model for Flying squirrels everywhere.

Conan, your Flying Racoon is an inbreed off-spring of Rockie this off shoot branch suffered the loss of natural flying ability and had to turn to technology but as you are aware he is a victim of this technology gone wrong. SPARE HIS LIFE, HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE TRAPPED CIRCLING YOUR STUDIO ENDLESSLY-HOPING FOR THE FUEL TO RUN OUT- HE IS TERRIFIED!!!!!! GET A HIGH QUALITY FISHERMAN LANDING NET AND RESCUE YOUR POOR FLYING SQUIRREL BEFORE THE SPCA MAKES HIS S*IT FLY ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!!

In the words of Denis Leary "nuclear fucking bombs" conan!!!!!!!!

Use the Spartan Laser, Conan. Its the only way.

In Canada, we have potato guns!
They are dangerous, but effective. Also, take a while to reload with hairspray... maybe that's not such a good plan.

Conan should take him down using Ninja skills. that will do nicely.

La Bamba knows what to do!

RE: Bringing Down the Racoon

Hi,

The first night you have girls in bikini's (maybe a Volleyball team, If not just regular girls)
shoot water ballrooms out of a sling shot to knock it down

Second: First let several men try to knock it down with bottle rockets
when they are not able to do so, Let there be children standing under the racoon,
blindfolded tying to knock it down like a Mexican Pinata with along sticks,
It would be very funny.

Third day:
Conan We are sick, that you have to live with the distracting of watching, that damn racoon.
tonight we are going after this thing that has been plaguing us. you know what I'm talking about
Every night circling over our heads with that backpack, stinking up the room,

OOP's What's that I hear trying to get away you sob, Disgust

Conan: As we know. (Mumble: haven't shot it down yet ha ha)
The Racoon has had enough of it, he's getting the hell out of dodge after the
abuse he's received over the last few days, but, yet he's still aflying.
The racoon is seen moving down the hallway trying to make its getaway
when all of a sudden, the racoon is in a holding area outside of the building,
where Conan following the racoon shouts "we've got him man", there is no way
he's getting out of my grip he's been a distraction for months. Flying around like
he has. Thinking he's the man, well I'm the man says, Conan: Sorry you have to Die.
So Conan calls out the machine bb gun

The BB gun destroys the Racoon,

The BB gun can be found on cmt during an episode of country fried videos,
I'm sure nbc can acquire this maker to be on the show to shoot the gun?.
This BB gun is unreal.

That's my thought,
Thanks,
DLMcnasty

Want to see the whole plan in action? Here's a drawing!
http://a786.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/123/l_e8a47e7f6abd07177c3228f08388b0b9.jpg

My idea is simple, earn the raccoon's trust with a favorite treat and then lead him to his demise. That's right, don't chase the rocket, make the rocket come to you. Sure it looks like you are going to be nice, we can all share some S'mores... perhaps the raccoon will have a fond memory of some campsite from his youth, but it is all a rouse! Quick as a relatively quick animal that works well in a metaphor, strike! With a bow and arrow in hand attach a marshmellow to the arrow and light it up! Not only will the raccoon never see it coming, the studio will have the lovely scent of toasted marshmellow to mask the stench of burning raccoon. Ew.

Conan!

You need to just blast it down with bad German techno. Play it loud enough and he is SURE TO FALL!

I say throw a shoe at it a few times. Maybe it will come down if you try hard enough???

POTATO GUN
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POTATO GUN

You should shoot a monkey to drag the raccoon down! That would be so funny! LOL or shoot a banana first at the raccoon then shoot the monkey at the banana! LOL

Hey you need to shoot it with a paintball gun (with frozen paintballs) it'll take that raccoon down easy (No effort involved!)

A turtle on a remote controlled helicopter!

You should tell a bunch of kids its a pinata party and have them come out blindfolded with broomsticks trying to hit it like a pinata!

shoot Nuts at it!!!or throw whatever seems more civilized to you.

You must simply reintroduce the Walker Texas Ranger lever, pull it and then PRESTO! Chuck Norris appears and takes down the raccoon with a cameo roundhouse...or something to that effect...

Steven Cheek, You worry me! your drawing has a USA rocket on the racoons back such a malfunction of rocket technology wouldn't be a USA rocket but it could be a rocket made in china that recieved it's USA emblem/sticker and instruction/Owner Manual as they were printed and applied in America by non-union sub-minimum wage or a federally assisted employer that recieves a portion of the employees wage from the government as either direct cash payment or tax credit or abatement.

Staying with your current theme of tennis balls, invite Andre Aggassi or Andy Roddick to come fire their 100 mph shots at it

Hold up, that first manga has a spelling error.
When did "marshmellow" become "marshmallow" anyway?
NEW AND IMPROVED MANGA!
http://a641.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/96/l_6e8d6bd734c6769d99fc8ba5bb742380.jpg

call the mythbusters. They can find fun ways to shoot it down.

Hey Consie you need to strap a laser pointer on kermit's head and have him projectile vomit that doomcoon outta the sky!!

That racoon needs the strength and tenacity of our future president to bring it to a dignified end. I say, get John McCain to spoon the racoon!

You should invite Rob Dyrdek and Christopher "Big Black" Boykin to your show so you can borrow their spider web gun. The only modification is to attach some rope or string to it, so that once you shoot the web, you can yank it down and do whatever you please to it. Veni, Vidi, Vici!

Get NYG punter jeff feagles to punt that bastard back into orbit

There is only one thing that can destroy a screeching raccoon...

An uber team consisting of both Bruise Willis and Chuck Norris, both armed with phasers...

I'd suggest using a bow & arrow. I have used that on them and it works! I must admit the ones I got did not have rocket packs...

You Should Have Larry The Cable Guy Launch Beer Cans With A Speedo Slingshot

exorcism.
seriously.
it'll work.

The only way to kill the vermin that is a coon with a rocket pack, is the ubiquitous paint ball gun. Freeze the paint balls for several hours, that makes them EXTRA HARD for COON DESTRUCTION.

forget the shooting idea. build a pile of crack rock under him, light on fire, and smoke him out of the sky. it will at least stop the screeching.

Conan,

You should use a t-shirt launcher like at football games and fire Patriots 19-0 shirts at the raccoon. Make use of the useless shirts and waste that vermin.

Either have Anderson Cooper stare it down or have James Lipton interview it down...

Throw Labamba's hat at it like "Odd Job" did to the statue on the James Bond movie!!!

Shoot the Championship New York Giants Turtle on a rocket up there!

Want to see the whole plan in action? Here's a drawing!
http://a786.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/123/l_e8a47e7f6abd07177c3228f08388b0b9.jpg

My idea is simple, earn the raccoon's trust with a favorite treat and then lead him to his demise. That's right, don't chase the rocket, make the rocket come to you. Sure it looks like you are going to be nice, we can all share some S'mores... perhaps the raccoon will have a fond memory of some campsite from his youth, but it is all a rouse! Quick as a relatively quick animal that works well in a metaphor, strike! With a bow and arrow in hand attach a marshmellow to the arrow and light it up! Not only will the raccoon never see it coming, the studio will have the lovely scent of toasted marshmellow to mask the stench of burning raccoon. Ew.

*** My wireless internet connection is less than ideal, could be the blizzard outside. In any case if this is posted twice, or if I emailed the show twice, my apologies.

How about a giant boomerang, odjobs hat(from james bond), or maybe throw an umbrella like a javlin or spear?

Shoot the Championship New York Giants Turtle on a rocket up there!

Hey Conan Andy Here!

Ok heres what you need to do... Get a Star Jones Blow up doll and just hurl that at it.

With the space she holds your bound to hit that damn Raccoon. Or if NBC (Because of Fat Jokes, Costs, or if they are afraid Star and here "Click" will burn/eat the place down) won't Allow that then just Throw darts at it.

Thanks your buddy Andy Petersen from San Diego California

Paint ball gun, or lot's of paint ball guns.

just throw the tennis balls at him instead of using that weak gun lol

1. net gun

2. Have Chuck Norris Superkick it down..

3. Invite Larry the Cable Guy back and have him climb a ladder and hit it the raccoon with a bat and stick it in a pillow case have a roadkill/Raccoon Cookout..

4. Ninja stars.

5. Abe Lincoln with a tshirt cannon..

Conan,

Use a t-shirt gun (football games) and fire Patriots 19-0 shirts at it. Make use of the useless shirts and waste the vermin all in one.

Give Joel some sort of sniper rifle and let him take shots at the raccoon from the booth

or

get Trump to throw some Trump Steaks at it. Ya fiad.

SHOT IT WITH A BOW & ARROW!! old school style!

Sing "The Immigrant Song" until it gets scared and comes down himself. Scares the heck out of me.

Lure the raccoon down with your amazing Irish jig style and then hop onto a jet from the top of the top of the audience stairs and karate chop him down while he ponders of your wondrous Irish jig.

Flood the studio, and then release jumping psychotic sharks to snatch it out of the air. If you can't get the sharks on short notice. dolphins jump as well.

If the masturbating bear was able to blow his load on top of the squirrel, it would change its mass (changing its attraction to the object it is orbiting). Conan would win, and so would the bear.

Get a dozen Plastic Babies and 7up bottles full of pee to throw at it as we all know Raccoons Hate a dozen pastic babies and 7 up bottles full of pee.

One word Bottlerockets!

Of course you should use a Wrist Rocket filled with chunks of Marzipan.

www.sausa.com/519821D.jpg

Peanut butter cookie dough would work as well, but we all know Raccoons detest Marzipan.

Shoot it with a puppy gun. That's right shoot a puppy at it. A puppy!

The only way to get the raccoon 4 sure is to get that sucka with a paintball gun!

Make it face off with the EVIL PUPPY OF DOOM!!!

Get the Throwdini to throw knives at it

set up an american gladiator set with a slingshot, hydrolic arrow, type stuff, and u and max go through the course, lozer gets soaked

You should just move closer Conan!

make the raccoon listen to the cable guy....then the raccoon will kill him self.

Use A Water Balloon Thrower!!

You should attach a vat of milk to the squirrel and then gather a group of stray cats to attack the squirrel!

Simple. Everyone knows that a raccoon's natural enemy is the blue whale. I propose that a Rocket-Propelled Whale (RPW) is fired at the raccoon. Problem solved.
However, this may pose a new, entirely different problem....that of the annoying flying whale...

Get the horny manatee to seduce the raccoon out of orbit!!!

robert duvall

put on the rockets and rocket helmet and kick the racoon out of orbit. jus how you save abraham lincoln.

The ninja ideas are cool, but it would be better to enlist the ninja from www.askaninja.com. This way, you don't have to trust Conan with pointy objects...

Conan! Shoot it with a 12 gauge! :D

You should really go with Sarah's idea add hit it with a big stick.

conan could probably use a paintball gun to shoot it down

Get rambo to shoot it down with a submachiene gun

I agree, a net gun! either that, or get a juggler to juggle knives and periodically throw those knives at the racoon

Paint ball gun, or lot's of paintball guns even better.

You need a giant rubber band. I'm not talking something you'd get at an office supply store. I'm talking huge, the size of a hula hoop but much thicker. then use some type of contraption to launch the thing.

Shoot explosive arrows at it just like in Rambo 2 and 3. If that doesn't work have Pat Boone shoot it down and make a hat out of it. A last option mightbe releasing some of the racoon's natural predators into the studio. one of them being the bear. More specifically the mastubating bear, who is probably extremely hungry after a long hard day of "work".

I don't remember the rules; did Conan say no harpoons?

Because a harpoon is the only possible solution I see.

Since this screeching raccoon with a jetpack is supposed to resemble the dead spy satellite, I was thinking of having a New York Giants player guest appear on the show and throw a football at the raccoon (the raccoon is supposed to resemble the New England Patriots and the whole 'spy'gate controversy) to mirror both the outcome of the Super Bowl and America (the Giants) taking down the spy satellite.

Conan,I think it might be time to bring Gary Colman in to tell his 40 year old virgin story to the Racoon as it flies around and as Gary Coleman shows the racoon the picture of his new 22 or 23 year old wife that won't have sex with him the Racoon will probably realize nothing could be worse than that and jump off the rocket also you could talk Joel or LaBamba into taking Gary Coleman out and getting him some!!! If the band won't maybe Joel will?

So, I think throwing random crap will help.

give everyone in the audience an item that's bound to hit hard, yet fly well when thrown.

oh, and if that fails, like, totaly epic fails, then use a potato gun.

and if that totaly epic fails, then call the ghost busters.

and if they don't pick up, then...well, I don't know D:

Conan call out all the stops on this bad boy. First time in history something is shot down from space and first in history on your show. This is no laughing matter, blast him. I think the paintball gun idea is good but you should go alittle farther then just you shooting. After you take a few shots your entire band should pull them out and start shooting. If no one hits it give your entire audience tennis balls and have them throw them at the bugger.

just fart on it

Conan,
Create a Pale Force cartoon. Bounce the German laser light show off your Pale Force chest so it ricochet's back to the racoon and it explodes into a ball of flames before it hits the atmosphere. Hello! Light show!
Or... shoot cream pies at it with La Bamba standing underneath just in case you miss.
Or...(yes, we have more!), Launch Abe Vigoda at it so he can catch it and bring it back safely to earth.
Or... Show it an egg. It will get down and try to wash it.
Or...Hold a birthday party for Hispanic 10 year olds who will knock it out of space like a pinata.
Or... Have the space station catch it in a gigantic butterfly net.
Or... have the whoooo? owl drop down on a teeter-totter and launch the world's tallest dachshund at it.
Or... Have Abe Lincon rapel from the catwalks overhead and take it out James Bond style, yo.
Or finally...Use the 3 trillion dollar Space Based Defense sheild...oops! That doens't work, does it.
~A fellow red headed Pale Force mmember. Power to the Pale!

YOU SHOULD USE THE CHAIN GUN FROM AMERICAN GLADIATORS TO BLOW HIM OUT OF THE SKY. AND IF THAT DOESNT WORK YOU COULD USE CONAN SHOT OUT OF A CANNON

You should get Rambo to shoot down that flying bastard with a potatoe gun, while the masturbating bear masturbates in a corner, and La Bamba dances the mexican hat dance.

get a brown hat, jacket, whip and go indiana on it!

Just play some Celine Dion or Michael Bolton and it will self-destruct.

Barrett .50 Cal Sniper Rifle. Its a huge ass rifle for a small ass racoon.

Simple solution, reflect a laser beam off of Pender's bald head.

You need to eat like a ton of refried beans and then FART the racoon down!

Have the government redirect the flight path of the errant spy satellite until their orbits collide, thus destroying both problems at the same time, and emerging as an international hero!
Down with varmints!

Hit it with a can of Silly String.

just fart on it with a funnel, that should take care of it and its easy too!!

Have Triumph poop on it from the rafters.

Get one of those elastic, 3man water balloon launchers and rapid fire whatever you want (it would be more dramatic if you did it from the middle of the aisle in the audience), then if that doesn't work you should pull out your nine iron and smack some golf balls, and if all else fails, then you should get a Barry Bonds look alike to come in and take a few swings with a Louisville Slugger.

Conan should zip line through the crowd and shoot a shoulder mounted rocket at the raccoon. All while getting the Led out.

You had Larry the Cable Guy there. Why didn't you tell him he could take the racoon as a parting gift...Gee Wizz unless Lary the Cable Guy is a phoney his type eat squirrel & racoon back home in the woods! After all he bagged that snake I'm sure he could bag the racoon!

CONAN,
FIRST HAVE CONAN TRY TO SHOOT HIM DOWN WITH ANYTHING....THEN MAX SAYS "CONAN, I GOT AN IDEA" THEN CONAN SAYS "WHAT....!??"
(SARCASTIC)THEN MAX AND CONAN HAVE A STARING CONTEST AND IT GETS SO INTENSE, MAX(STARES OVER TO THE RACOON AND THE RACOON BLOWS UP FOR NO REASON)

Okay, I've got this all planned out. You shoot an issue of Playboy, Hustler, or JUGGZ, into orbit for the Raccoon. Now you may say, "Why do this? Now instead of a Screeching Raccoon With A Jet Pack we have a masturbating Screeching Raccoon With A Jet Pack." That's EXACTLY it! There can only be ONE masturbating Late Night character. The Masturbating Bear will be so furious that his trade mark has been stolen from him that he will demand to be shot up into orbit to fight the raccoon. Thus, Conan, you have the Masturbating Bear do your dirty work! Just make sure his rocket makes a round trip back home. I love that bear, Conan. I love that bear.

Stand on two giant slinky's holding a giant hungry, hungry hippo chomping head and have that hippo chomp that coon.

Come and get some Latino kids from LA, blindfold them, give them a stick, and tell them the racoon is full of candy and surprises! But then your problem will be over and you will have another problem. You better have some candy and surprises ready for them or they will call their homies to rush up on you! Then for that, just have some chilled 40's ready and have some carnitas grillin'. Everybody should be cool then!

Call me if you have that problem for much longer, I know some people who just got out and they can help you take care of things, just let me know!

We don't have those kind of problems in or hanging over LA!

Okay!? Call me if you want some help and I can get the ball rollin right away!

Laura 555-3625

If it is anything like an 'I-raq-coon' it will just collapse in on itself. Just like the real thing!

obviously people are mentally challenged. because they're linking you to other websites beside the illustration of the fantastic idea of how to shoot down that darn varmint.

anyways...
i had an image of Conan dressed like superman, same outfit different colors, no S, there's a C. . conan couldn't /shouldn't be marked as "superman" but "conanman."

check out my illustration.

always.
me,
leilani.

Conan should show the Raccoon some clips of his monologues, and the Raccoon just commits suicide.

http://www.unprophoto.com/images/20080219020713_conan_racoon.jpg

[b]Watch out for the Magical Raccoon with the 50 caliber Desert Eagle!

He is just my pet but sometimes I can't control Rocky the Magical Raccoon!

Beware Conan.....he watches your show every night!!!

>:D [/b]

Btw that is BBcode not HTML

If La bamba would take off his thong and tie it to his trombone, and then take out his autographed picture of ryan seacrest that he keeps on him at all times and crumple it into a ball, then I think you could shoot the raccoon down by throwing tomatoes at it.

I think it's time to dust off the zip line. In one of the most dramatic and groundbreaking artificial changes in the course of history, Conan O'brien was able to thwart the assassination of Abraham Lincoln using his beloved zip line, a swift kick, and good ole Irish moxy. I think the zip line should be employed again to rid the show of this annoying critter but with a little twist. The Masturbating Bear, wearing oversized scuba diving flippers and a bright red Conan wig (in homage to the savior of honest Abe) should come hurtling down the aisle on the zip line and use his flippers to knock the raccoon out of the air. Afterwards he could celebrate by flogging his dolphin while his theme music plays triumphantly in the background, a fitting gesture to a job well done.

---Frank Mooney,
Prospect Park, PA
wildmanmoon@yahoo.com

First off, I agree with the potato gun, or you should shoot it down with a firing squad (using like paintball guns or something)I know you said no catapults and no flamethrowers, but you didn't mention anything about heavy artillary, so I propose a Surface-To-Air Missile.

slather the raccoon in KY and tell announcer Joel Godard that it is actually a gerbil. The problem will soon disappear.

Invite the raccoon to party with Paris Hilton. Eventually he will have to return to earth for rahab and penicillin.

Have an audience member put on a roger clemens jersey and start throwing hypodermic needles at the raccoon like darts. If he sticks one, it won't bring the raccoon down, but it may make the raccoon grow breasts and reduce its chances of getting in the hall of fame.

Conan,

You could do a cowboy scene and hook it with a lasso...then pull!! You could even have LaBamba help catch!!!

Throw knifes at it.

And what is this weirdness about having to be American to submit things, Racism!!!!

get rob dyrdek, meaty, and big black to come on and shoot it with a net gun

Here's my idea:

Get that MIT Professor, Peter Fisher, back on the show. Let him work out a method to shoot the racoon down with his physics calculations.

- harapan. magic!

Get Abe Vigoda to distract raccoon with a bag of acorns. Leave the rest to S&M Lincoln...

shoot the bicth down with a gun you lazy ass

I would just try to attract it to a stick of dynamite and blow it up.

Build this and let the rubber tear down the racoon.

A Rubber Band Gatling Gun, 24-barrel, tripod-mountable monster, boasts a 288-band capacity and 40-round-per-second firing capability:

http://www.engadget.com/2008/01/16/meet-the-disintegrator-24-barrels-of-rubber-band-minigun-madnes/

I had three ideas for this, but I'm a horrible artist.

(1) Pour a bottle of ipecac syrup down Vomiting Kermit's throat and aim him at the raccoon.

(2) Set up monitors in the raccoon's orbit, all showing the movie "Gigli." The raccoon will get depressed and commit suicide.

(3) Have Larry the Cable Guy catch and eat the raccoon. (They taste like chicken!)

You should go on Youtube and look up the AA-12! It is a fully automatic 12ga. shotgun with a 20 or 30 round magazine. Obviously you wouldn't be able to shoot it in the building where you work. But, if you built a small set (resembling the stage the flying raccoon was flying over) in a remote location where you could fire such a weapon I think that would be the over the top comedy that makes Conan O'Brien the funniest show on earth!!!! Heck, maybe you could have a tie in and have the host of the show on the Discovery Channel that I saw the gun on as a guest???

Javelin it. TO DEATH

call the barfing duck to barf on the racoon.

Ever seen Armageddon? Put a team together, land on the raccoon and blow him up. You guys really need to start thinking outside the box.

Fly down the zip-line with the shoes and helmet that shoot smoke out the back, wearing a cape, and push the Chuck Norris lever when you get to the bottom. The lever then triggers a Chuck Norris clip - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d55RUgUbW3g

and when rocket in the clip explodes, have a rocket of some sort fly into the raccoon.

that way you get to ride the zip-line, and pull the lever, we all get to see a chuck norris clip, and the raccoon will come out of orbit.

one way cone bone, your laser light show

I have two suggestions. I had three until you said no flamethrowers.
1.)use a paintball gun
or,
2.)pretend its a pinata, blindfold yourself, and start swinging with a baseball bat.
or, better yet, find a baseball bat with spikes at the end and try it.
just don't "Accidentally" let go of it and have it fly into the crowd. lawsuits are bad.

Use a turtle guided rocket similar to the ones you used to determine who would win the superbowl. With a turtle at the helm, you can't miss!

Conan you need to just climb up on a ladder and beat that disrespectful raccoon like a pinata.

Use a pole. Maybe masturbating bear has one.

Potato, net, and rubber band guns…Ha, I laugh at the mere idea of it. I believe the only solution to your predicament is to kidnap Tom Brady and make him launch footballs at the raccoon until the hooligan is shot down from orbit.

Use La Bamba's Sonic Scream!

And don't go telling me 'La Bamba doesn't have superpowers'.

You should have the Max Weinberg 7 each plan out the shooting down of the racoon. Each episode show the audience in the studio and at home, how each member shot the racoon down, then pick the best one (i.e. Max would chuck his sticks/and or cymbal (a crappy one cause they are expensive) at the racoon, LaBamba could throw his mustache at it)

You should build a functioning ballistic missile and blow up the raccoon.

Lamar's javelin from Revenge of the Nerds
Remote controlled helicopter w/ wire cutters attached
Drew Barrymore's character from Fire Starter
Sharks w/ frickin lasers
Dr. Phil to talk the Raccoon down
NET GUN !!!!!!

Trained poodles stand on one another's heads until they form a tower high enough for the top one to take the raccoon down in its jaws.. of doom.

you should dress Conan in a rocket/missile costume, extra smoke and send him down the zip-line to knock the raccoon out of orbit.

You should get a ladder and a big scissors and cut the string that is above it that everyone can clearly see.

get that bicth pam anderson use her to distract it then shoot the bicth or make it jump on her boobs

Does Conan still have his pneumatic desk? He could use it to rise up into the studio's stratosphere and pluck the raccoon from its wavering path

conan your gay

Treat him like a pinata

send some som redknecks to shoot it down the tell them to make me a hat

George Washington carver was born in 1864 and when grows up we will become famous by inventing many things. In the year 1877 he left home to go to school and get smarter and learn about new things. Do to that he became a very intelligent boy for his age after that every one will k George Washington carver now who he was.
George Washington Carver worked as cook, launderer, and worked as a grocery clerk to make money to continue his education. When he witnessed a lynching he was so scared that he wanted to move away to Kansas so that it won’t happen to him. When he got there he started to work as a clerk in the union depot. Then he got accepted into Presbyterian college but when he was humiliated because of his race so it was tough for him.
Then after that he at a hotel then he opened another laundry. Then as he worked there a white man told that he should try attending Simpson College when he entered all he did was study art. Because he loved plants and art his art teacher noticed his work and told him to try going to an agricultural college. When he was there he was accepted by the other students. Then his teacher there told him to transfer to another school to learn even more.
The school was very different to him and it was an all black industrial trade school. He studies to become a scientist for he could experiment a lot more. Because he was a great student he gave him a 10 acre experimental farm to continue his studies. As he was there he found his true calling as head Tuskegee experiment station working on research projects. Then when he arrived in Tuskegee no one thought the peanut as a crop. Then he started to deplete the soil to see if that can change something.
Sooner or later he made peanut butter and he also made other creations. Then people new who he was and used all of his invention. Later every on in the country and maybe the world knows who George Washington Carver is.

36
There was a man named Dan Sharp he was a regular man didn’t do any out of the ordinary. He was driving in the middle of the night and he has been working for 13 hours straight so he was tired he wanted to go home. He drives to a circle k and there is only one vehicle a big black van in the parking lot. He went inside but he didn’t feel right as he enters he can see a man in the back of the store he was just staring at him. “Any idea who that guy is” said Dan as he pointed to the man. “Nope he has been standing there for like thirty minutes just standing there not moving.” Said the man. So confusedly he leaves the store. He was driving when there is a collision between three cars “damn it now it is going to take me hours to get home.” Dan said. Three hours later he gets to go home and there waiting for him was his new wife Mary. “What took you so long to get here” said Mary. “It was damn traffic there was a car crash so I waited for hours before I can get here.” “Doesn’t matter you’re here.” Mary said. Both of them were about to sit down on the couch as there is a knock on the door “What now who the hell can that be” said Dan. He stands up goes to the door but knocks get louder and louder as if someone is trying to break in. He gets closer and looks trough the peep hole and it was the man in the black that was from the store. “How the hell did he know where I live” Dan said. “Who” said Mary. “This guy that I saw at the store” Dan said. The knocks on the started to get louder and louder as if someone was trying to break in. Mary stands up and gets closer to Mary then they heard a noise a clank the kind a shotgun would make. “Run Mary Run” yelled Dan. So they start to run but then there is a loud gun shot then Dan looks back and the door knob has been blown off. The door opens and there is four men that you can hardly see there faces and all are wearing black one of them points at Mary so two go after her. The other two go after Dan. Mary is in the back yard running for her life but the two men catch up to her then one of them jumps and grabs her legs and she falls down. “Let go let me go” she screams loudly. Then one pulls out some tape and wraps it around her then he punches her once in her face to knock her out. Dan is running as fast as he can trying to get to his truck when the one holding the 12 gage shotgun fires but misses and shoots his window. “ Ok I’ll stop I’ll stop” he yelled. So he lies down on the ground terrified. “ Stay the fuck down and shut the fuck up ” said one of the men. Then the other man starts to punch him in the face up to ten times and knocked him out. The four men dragged there unconscious bodies into this big black van then they drive away into the dark no one even heard a thing. There is big dark room water linking from the ceiling there is giant cracks on the wall and there are many unconscious people on the floor all bloody and bruised. A loud screechy noise is heard the kind a chalk board will make there is a little light bulb that turns only barely bringing light to the room. All of them start to get up slowly and they are all tired. The in the middle of the room there is a giant screen the kind you see at a movie theater. A man appears on the screen but you can’t see his face. “Hello and welcome every one” said the man with a low voice. “Who the fucks are you” said a man. “Yeah where the fuck are we” said another man. “You will all know in good times. You have all been invited” “Bull shit fucken bull shit you followed us to are houses and beat the shit out of us then kidnapped us and telling us you invited us that bull shit.” “Fine then you have been forced to be here happy now. You are all here to precipitate in a little contest...” “What the fuck do you mean contest” said a woman “stop interrupting me or I will kill you all right now. Just kidding you will do that later now as I was saying you will all be in a contest of strength, and might. There are thirty six of you here and only one of you will live. Right now there is a poison gas that is going trough the vents right now to the whole building but not the room that I am in right now. All of you were brought here by four men but the four are in the room that all of you are in so good luck finding that out. So the cure that all of you want is in all of you what you mean look in your pockets.” He said. They all stuck there hands then pulled out test tubes that were closed. “What the fuck are these are they filled up with blood” said another man. “Yes now let me explain what to do with those. All of you have one of these test tubes filled up with your own blood and you are going to have to care for that as if it were your own. Now all of you are going to have to get these from your victims and you are going to get separated by stepping into these doors. Now there are also these containers that have room to fit six tubes now you have to find these in each round there are only six of these and the survivor needs all of these to live. Once there is only one survivor you must take these six containers and you must find the door with the red x on it then there will be a hole on a wall. Stick your hand in there and pull out the box that’s in there open it and take out the tube that is green why you ask because it is your antidote to cure your poison and there is another tube which you mix it with all of the other tubes filled out with blood. Now I want you all to step in one of these doors and it will randomly put all of you in six different rooms. Then you will all have to kill each other and just do your best. “What if don’t do anything yeah don’t do anything and we will be okay.” Another man said. As soon as he said that a hole appeared on the wall a rifle came out then fired about 7 times until his leg showed bone he screamed in pain “what the fuck!” he fell right to the floor another person helped him stand then as soon as he tried to walk the bone shattered and his leg completely came off. “ now based on what you saw you

bring in frankinstien to take down the coon i miss that guy

A. Dominatrix Lincoln Bull Whips it down

B. Use a potato cannon

C. Firehose

D. Hire a real exterminator to come in and remove it for you

Use Pale Male the red-tailed hawk to swoop down out of the sky and kill the screeching racooon.

Shoot it down with a paintball gun

Nature always compensates for itself so we need to look to nature for the answer. I've included a chart at the web address of the raccoon's and jet pack's natural enemies and possible combinations.

http://www.dailyamerican.us/conan-raccoon-help

To get rid of the flying squirrel you need to send the masturbating bear into orbit to combat it. Flying squirrels hate bears, especially masturbating ones.

Well. What if Conan were to ask it nicely or plead for it to come down? I think the reason the raccoon is losing it's orbit is due to the fact that it's been flying around the sdudio for two years. No sleep, No food , and having to listen to Conan's monolouge every night would make me angry too. and if that doesn't work maybe you can have La Bamba ask it in spanish eh? Has the raccoon refreshed it's green card yet?

You should throw balls of recalled beef at the racoon.

get some ninjas to throw throwing stars at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1) tribuchet
2) Max throws drum sticks at it.
3)Conan zip lines down the audience, knocks down the raccoon, and save lincoln again.
4)use the desk on the fork lift and cut the cord with a large, golden pair of scissors mayors use to dedicate buildings
5)lure the raccoon down with suggestive pictures of younger raccoons on Myspace.com

Shoot the racoon down with larry the cable guy! HAHA
shoot him into orbit!

use the pregnant lady to fire babies at the raccoon but fire high and strong!! SO YOU CAN GET THAT RACCOON!!!

Have a rejected X-men character, namely Gyno-blast, shoot at it.

NINJA stars

Edward scissor hands

Baseball/football launcher

Have A Fagota lasso the raccoon down with his Christmas cord of lights.

Rid the zip line down to knock the raccoon out of orbit to save the innocent earth rotating below. (Lincoln style)
Of course while playing "Immigrant Song" again- this time with Conan singing the
"Ah ahhhhha aaaaaaahhhhaaa" part

One name:
CHUCK NORRIS!

Norris orbits while the earth stands still
so he can kick that raccoons ass for sure.

Offer it lots of money to compensate it for its humiliation and suffering...?

The only person I know that can get rid a a rodent is Clark W. Griswold. (i.e. Squirrel in the Christmas Tree)

Perhaps you can throw something together with that.

Have Dwight Howard on the show and then he can fly up and knock it down.

Fire Letterman at the racoon using a human cannon

A few suggestions to rid us all of the screeching raccoon with a jetpack...

Raccoons are highly attracted to garbage, so get the reunited Spice Girls to sing a song and the raccoon will be powerless to cease his orbit and fly to them faster than they cancelled their tour for low ticket sales.

or...

Larry the Cable Guy could "git r' dun" by using his pickup truck to drive up a teeter totter while drinking heavily, run the raccon over, and eat the remains for supper, sans the jetpack.

If that doesn't work, then Max Weinberg and the Max Weinberg 7 could play a brutal metal song with lighting fast double bass to stall the Rocket Pack, and the raccon would crash to Earth, circle-headbanging all the way down.

POSTED BY

Conan, your Flying Racoon is an inbreed off-spring of Rockie this off shoot branch suffered the loss of natural flying ability and had to turn to technology but as you are aware he is a victim of this technology gone wrong. SPARE HIS LIFE, HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE TRAPPED CIRCLING YOUR STUDIO ENDLESSLY-HOPING FOR THE FUEL TO RUN OUT- HE IS TERRIFIED!!!!!! GET A HIGH QUALITY FISHERMAN LANDING NET AND RESCUE YOUR POOR FLYING SQUIRREL BEFORE THE SPCA MAKES HIS S*IT FLY ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!!

February 19, 2008 Posted by Rub it Genteel like
--------------------------

Harlequin response to Rub it genteel like

FINALLY--someone has come forward with the TRUTH !! Conan has been endlessly and maliciously attacking the Squirrels on TopDog's SpaceShip. Genteel Like you are a HERO to the TopDog Empire and Thumper the Squirrel will reward you for exposing Conan and his evil plot to kill all the Squirrel's. Conan himself is a Tawny American Marmot that is a mutant---!! If Conan had fur on him he woold look EXACTLY like a Squirrel. Obviously Conan can't accept the gene pool from which he was spawned and by killing the Squirrel's it makes he feel he is more human. Please join the PEEP's and Jessica on and Important Message From Conan and we will join forces to battle Conan to the Last Post of our existance.

http://supernaturale.org/board/viewtopic.php?p=4337#4337

let the masturbating bear jump after it

Have Wolf from AMERICAN GLADIATORS take that furry bandit down Hang Tough Style, because the mortal enemy of the dangling Raccoon is a large hairy man in spandex...AAAAOOOOWWWWWWW.

Maybe if "gravity" brought the Raccoon a little close to the floor, Conan could fly down a zip line, Through the audience wearing a smoking helmet and rocket boots, and knock the Raccoon out of orbit. You can do it Conan!!!

Conan needs to ride in on a zip line, with helmet and boots, and kick the raccoon down. If we could see Wolf from American Gladiators in on this, it would be great.

you need to get dwight howard who just won the slam dunk contest to jump up there wearing the superman cape and yank that racoon down

CONAN!

HAVE TED NUGENT COME IN WITH A BOW AND ARROWS AND HAVE HIM SHOOT AT IT!!!!!

\m/ METAL!!!!

Hi, please use a super soaker gun, it will put out the fire because smoke is cumming out of the back of the raccoon so there has to be fire and when you put the fire out the raccoon might cum down to the floor.

and Conan should be wearing spandex

get some ninjas in there!!

here's what it would look like:

http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f272/mk742617000027/conanraccoon.jpg

Get Horny Manatee, blind fold him or her, then spin him or her around. Then give the Horny Manatee a stick and let him/she try to hit it down like a pinata!

Plan A: How about swinging from a rope like Tarzan wearing an orange clown wig and nose while firing a full auto paintball gun at the raccoon
Plan B: use a zip line through the audience wearing rocket boots and a silver "Buck Rogers" space suit and goggles while using a full auto paintball to strafe the hairy bastard. Just make sure to have a cushion or something soft to land on afterwards,
OR Plan C: Have La Bamba take shots at it with the air cannon while Max reloads for him and the Masturbating Bear is behind them (really close behind them) providing moral support/laughs for the audience.

i think you should throw your big shoe at it or jet a ninja to take it down

Just call Captain Planet or get Macgyver to come up with some plan to use bubble gum toothpick and a paper clip to make up something to blow it out of the conan orbit. muuhahaha

You should start a mosh pit below it they would be able to pull that darn thang out of orbit

its simple have the maintenance guy climb a ladder and cut the string it hangs from... then shoot the maintenance guy off the ladder with the air cannon for rurining the show! yea!

remot control helicopters with electronic missles would take it down ro you could just get brittney spears to come get all bipolar on it and you know it would just want to leave then. Wouldn't you. Oh wait then you wouldn't be there? Well if you just conquer your fears then you could do it good luck.

Get a ladder

Get your dance group to dance and just wait on it to fall to earth so they can catch it.

It would be awesome to see Conan dress up like Luke Skywalker, customize his desk to look like an X-Wing, put it back on the fork lift, and have a mock Star Wars battle with the racoon.

shoot it down with a paint ball gun.

Why dont you shoot it down with some of the New England Patriots shirts.

make the nascar squrial with a jet pack dock with the racoon and put a m80 fire craker and if u use this on show say i made it say im kole yancey plz thank you.;)

The only way to get a Screeching Raccoon with a Jetpack out of orbit is... with love Conan, with love.

ummm, have OJ simpson knife-by the string in a 1992 white ford bronco?

Hey Conan two words to sum this all up....Dick Chaney!Thats the best way to solve this problem get Dick Chaney tell him your taking out a kiler racoon e will understand and will come running! :)

OPERATION R.A.C.O.O.N

1.BOW AND ARROW (MIDEVIL STYLE) "!!NOT A CATAPULT!!"
:AIM AND SHOOT SIMPLE AND EASY AS THAT BUT SHOOT TWORDS THE STRING IF POSSIBLE OR AIM AT THE BASE OF THE STRING SHOOT THE RACOON JUST FOR LAUGHS....

2. BASEBALLS INSTEAD OF TENNISBALLS.
:BECAUSE TENNISBALLS DONOT HAVE THE VELOCITY OR STRENGH OF A BASEBALLS BECAUSE OF ALL THE TWINE AND WOODEN CORK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BALL.

3. A REMOTE CONTROLLED HELICOPTER.
: JUST STEER THE HELICOPTER TWORDS THE RACOON, STRING, OR JETPACK. "DOESNT MATTER THAT SHOULD BRING DOWN THAT REMINE."

4. BASEBALL BAT.
: JUST GET A ACTOR FROM THE SOPORONOS 2 WHACK THE HELL OUT OF THE RACOON!

5. ABE VIGOTA
: JUST LET HIM STARE AT IT MABE THE RACOON WILL GIVE UP AND DIE FROM ORBIT.

6. MAX WEINBERG OR LABAMBA.
LET MAX THROW DRUMSTICKS AT THE RACOON OR LABAMBA THROW VIBRATORS AT IT "HINT, HINT:" HE'S GAY....

5. AND FINALLY.... LET CWACKERS FLY AND KNOCK HIM OFF THE STRING....

Conan,

Please bring Preparation H Raymond to shoot preparation h out of the air canon at the raccoon. It's the only way to save late night from imminent destruction.

We must thank you Mr. O’Brien for your valiant effort to personally take on the danger of the Rogue Raccoon. However we cannot afford to lose you Conan so we must send the only other American who has a chance of success. That man is Abraham Lincoln.
Mr. Lincoln will travel, in comfort, in the Conan O’Brien Satellite Tracking, Extraction, & Recovery Ship. This craft will transport Mr. Lincoln from the launch site, ascend through the studio atmosphere, and guide itself to the Rogue Raccoon. Using the Retractable Net Ensnarement Device, Mr. Lincoln will safely catch and reel in the speeding Rogue Raccoon, to be contained in the Hazardous Animal Container. Once Mr. Lincoln has returned the ground crew will be able to remove the HAC so it can be transported to the nearest disposal facility.
As there has been no research into possible toxic gases emitted from the Rogue Raccoon during its two-year orbit, or if there is sufficient oxygen at that altitude to sustain Mr. Lincoln’s life, a Transparent Helmet Rocket Stovepipe Hat will carry an air supply for his journey. The rocket attachment provides extra thrust to the hat to counteract its wind resistance.
Detailed image with assembly instructions at http://img148.imageshack.us/img148/3558/spacelincolnvw6.png

Bring Back the Zipline and kick him down with your rocket boots

Have a famous astronaut throw boomerangs at it

Have Stephen Colbert or Jon Stewart take a swing at it

Let the masturbating bear attack it

Have a famous astronaut throw boomerangs at it

Have Stephen Colbert or Jon Stewart take a swing at it

Let the masturbating bear attack it

let the Evil Puppy destroy it with his mind or simply kill the racoon with an axe.

Use La Bamba's man-bra to slingshot water balloons at the Raccoon.

You can either launch a screeching possum into orbit to attack the raccoon out of orbit, the only problem is how would you get the possum out of orbit if that gets stuck too?

Conan,
You can steal Max Weinberg's drumsticks and use them as arrows against the Screeching Racccoon with a Jetpack.
Max is oblivious to this as he is cleaning his glasses. With LaBamba's moustache.

-David Pepa
Melbourne, Australia

Launch an old lady with a broom on her own jet pack. How to then get the old lady down, you ask? Not my problem.

I am shocked and appalled that anyone can support the persecution of the elusive Shrieking Raccoon with a Jetpack.

All those opposed should join the Facebook group:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=8819118806

LOL here we go

Dude ask Jon Stewart to throw mike huckabee at it!

Why worry about a raccoon? When the Navy launches that missile Wednesday we are all going to die. See you in the next life, suckas!

You could shoot your strikebeards!

It'd be cool to use the zip line. Zoom down and kick it.

Of course, use the SK12-11G (that desk wheeling device) go up in the sky until you can whack it with a piñata stick.

Use The Force...s Of Nature Dance Theater to dance it away.

Throw naked asian men at it!

well i dont really know what happened with my message but i was under the impression that it was a comment.but,Well, I will suggest a final end to the whole huckabee disbute between you, stewert and colbert by having a competition to get the "rascal raccoon" down from orbit. i was thinking that there could be a 2 maybe three hundred dollar budget dispersed to you guys, and all of you have 1 full 24 hour period to get a gadget that will get the job done.

"That shirt really makes your eyes looks pretty."

Thank you! That's really nice of you to say that :) You're shirt isn't too shabby either.

You Should Blindfold Max, La Bamba, and Penders and give them all bats and have a contest to see who can hit the racoon down first as it is moving

Throw La Bamba at it.

Send in John Wilkes Booth!

I think Conan should go up in another jet pack AKA a back pack with smoking jets (and wires)and have a BATTLE ROYALE this may consider bats guns blackjacks and ect.

CONAN VS RACCOON

I'd say enlist the aid of several of the worst superheroes to take it down, led by none other than Gynoblast.

The solution is rather obvious. Wait until the racoon's orbit decays some more then have Conan take him out with the zip-line.

Bob Szabo

Have chuck norris take him down, if you can't actually get chuck norris take him down with the chuck norris lever!!!

Get real raccoon to show that sissy jetpack flying excuse for an animal how its done.

Bring back Polly the NBC peacock and have her swoop in and take him down.

I think you should use the assault weapons from American Gladiator to try to shoot it down.

Throw a razor-sharp boomerang (like the one in Road Warrior) at it. And then cut to the scene in Road Warrior where it cuts the guys fingers off on the return trip.

Conan,you should get the "Ask A Ninja" Ninja to throw Ninja throwing stars at the Raccon or use cream pies.

Ummm...
Can't we all just get along? Maybe you should just leave the raccoon up there and let it start it's own aerial based EXTREME talk show. This would get a whole new demographic in to the show, pleasing the higher-ups, while saving you the trouble of dealing with any animal rights activists. Another idea is dangling, in its flightpath, a garbage can filled with delicious hotdogs & cupcakes sprayed with poison. Or just find some hungry rednecks who would dispose of Rocky in about ten seconds.

use the zipline and knock it down like u saved lincoln!

Hi Conan, alot of ppl already submitted variations of the idea that I submitted yesterday (Feb 18th), mine is slightly different b/c it involves a special guest! I hope you use my idea 'cuz its the BEST! Oh yeah, my dogs wanted to know if you wanna visit us in Toronto to watch your show with us. Check ya later! :)

I think a paintball gun with red ammo would be a great way to get that pest down.Or try throwing some garbage at it!

hey conan, have max have a staring contest or fire rubber chickens from a giant slingshot

use the canon from American Gladiator. the one the Gladiators use that also shoots tennisballs but can aim better.(or just try aiming the air canon)

Use either Triumph or bungie jumping baby Jesus to get him down.

through a brick at it.

Use water balloon sling shot!!

Ride the zip line into it, using a nice big javelin or spear.

Conan, strap yourself into your handy jetpack and go get 'em! I have faith in you!

throw people at it, like show a real person then throw their manican at it

Conan, you and max should team up and have an incredible death stare at the raccon, plus throw in some of la bamba's terrible acting and that should destroy andything, just make sure nobody gets in the way!

There must be a reason the screeching raccoon with a jetpack is screeching so much. If Conan were to try and communicate with the distraught animal, and use his talking skills to calm the poor beast, maybe he could get the screeching raccoon with a jetpack to come out of orbit and agree to sit down and talk. Then as soon as the suffering creature is calm and within arm's reach, Conan could reach out to the screeching raccoon with a jetpack and choke it to death.

As soon as I saw you ask for ideas, I had to say...get America's got talent - Lilia Stepanova to shoot it down.

-dewey

Connan should zip line over the audience and save President lincoln from S&M Lincoln. S&M Lincoln then flies back and lands and pushes a button that then makes Vomiting Kermit fly in an airplane and vomit and take out the Racoon!

1) Have a Castro impersonator throw cigars at it.

B) Have the Preparation H guy throw tubes of Lamisil at it. (j/k... I mean Prep-H)

III) Have LaBamba dress up like Cupid and shoot Nerf darts at it.

Launch Lindsey Lohan into space strapped to two rockets. By the time she is in space, she will have imploded on herself. THUS, creating a vacuum sending the raccoon out of orbit.

You could always have Roger Clemens inject himself with steroids then throw a fastball at the raccoon. Then have him deny the entire thing under oath.

sing it a sweet serenade. may I suggest Mad Girl's Love Song by Plath?

La Bamba dressed as cupid with a bow and arrow...

Kick him out of the sky like you saved lincoln (but now you're saving the WORLD!)

Chuck Norris? Because what can't he do?

Take down the raccoon with a PAINTBALL GUN.

kermit the frog projectile vomits the raccoon down... or zipline into it.

i think the only was you can do it is a flaming arrow

Is it not obvious? Chuck Norris must round-house kick it out of orbit. There is no other way.

Use one of those rockets that we all used to shoot off in science class.',',',',',D=====>

Shoot a midget out of a cannon.

If the masturbating bear ever gets the job done... problem solved.

throw discs at it from when you were playing disc golf with david feldberg. even though you can't throw a disc if your life depended on it

Have Brian McNamee (clemens trainer) throw steroid filled syringes at it, or have let the horny manatee have its way with it.

have it breathe its "toxic gas fumes"

You should use a net gun, that way you could knock it down while humanely trapping it, then Conan could release the animal back into its natural habitat (in outer space). Its good television

Have Joel throw shoes at it.

one word.....Chuck Norris

Boomerang it down!

i think they should shoot the raccoon with a civil war style canon. or maybe a slingshot or bow with flaming arrows. or my personal favorite, light a roman candle and aim it at it.

Have horney manatee seduce him down.

Dude get Andy Richter on the show and let him burn it with a roman candle.PLZ

ok. if you want to solve this problem, then ball-up, strap on a jet-pack, and get up there mono y raccoono. no one can do this but you. or anyone with a jetpack. good luck.

Rambo.

Um...Chuck Norris?

Launch a coyote (natural predator of a raccoon) with a jetpack to kill it
the following jetpack equipped predators would work as well: cougars, bobcats, wolves, alligators, and/or foxes

Climb your cute little self up a ladder.

Blast the little punk out of the air with a E Major chord on guitar from a full wall of amplifiers. Blow his head up and stuff.

Hit.
It.
With.
A.
BANJO.

Have the Raccoon's mother plead for her son to return home, luring him with the promise of beatles and grubs.

or challenge him to an etiological debate.

Stand on Lincoln's sholders and hit it with a base ball bat!

Throw falafel balls using a an old lady's socks.

You should definately ride your zip line into the racoon, and then wrestle the racoon on a hilarious skit though the city or the building where you record your show.

Gather up a bunch of shoes from the audience, and start chucking them at that taunting raccoon. If this procedure fails, we then gather socks. Sock these socks in hott water and then launch away. If this procedure fails, then I don't know what to tell you =].

You can't shoot a raccoon out of orbit, you Irish buffoon. Raccoons are natural friends of the Irish. You need a mortal enemy of raccoons to dislodge him from his celestial perch. I speak of course of the most ferocious of the forest kingdom:

The badger.

launch a badger into orbit to catch the raccoon. Never fails.

Eat 5-6 pieces of doublebubble gum and blow a big gum bubble to gum up the rocket. Then get some hedge clippers and cut the cable!

2 ideas:

1: Bring out the Chuck Norris lever, play a ridiculous clip, then have the real Chuck fly down on the zipline and roundhouse the orbit right out of him.

2: Use a slingshot and wither waterballoons or some kind of steak out of the slingshot.

w

Conan,
I believe that we should let
A)chuck norris fight the racoon to the death using knives
B)watch la bamba attempt to get the racoon by jumping on a trampoline
C)shoot grape fruit or water melon at the racoon
D)let the evil puppy handle it
E)get hillbillies use their pitch forks to get the raccon down. however you should then save the racoon from them and let it go into the wild.... however the flying racoon tries to come bak to the show then however on the way it gets hit by a car

hey conan... well i think you should get ahold of Rob Dyrdek the Pro Skateboarder and Christopher BIG BLACK Boykins both of which are on The show ROB and BIG on MTV and they have this pretty sweet NETgun thing that shoots this giant net and im pretty sure that will take care of that Pesky Screeching Raccoon with a Jetpack. i mean The Netgun has already worked on taking out Spiderman on Hollywood Blvd. so im absolutely positive it would work for the Screeching Raccoon. Let me know how it works out for you... email me back and let me know what you think of the idea... im pretty sure Rob and Big B would be down for helping you out...

thanks,
pete...

Use Vomiting Kermit's projectile bile to soak the racoon into submission with that gross brown liquid loved by all.

Throw falafel balls at it using an old lady's socks!!!!

GERMAN DISCO DANCE UNTIL IT FALLS DOWN OUTTA EXHAUSTION FROM RAVE-TASTIC FUN

Forget about shooting, convince the raccoon to come down peacefully. Maybe it's having a hard time figuring out where to land. Make a bull-size out of cheese and put it on La Bambas head.

Of course the band may screw up your plans and start using toothpicks to stick onto the cheese and end up having La Bamba look like the guy in those horror movies.

But then you take toothpick head La Bamba, put him on a ladder and have him jab at the Raccoon until he has him.

I think that will work.

Use Pimpbot 5000's Ho guidance system to lock on his rump and launch his S.C.U.D. (Skanks, Cops, and Undercovers Defense) missle at him.

well, Conan, it's quite simple. You just have to rocket yourself down that zip line again and save the earth like you saved Lincoln!

Conan

(to the comment below) umm so buddy...how long did you wait on line to see star wars episode 3?
do not mess with Conan, he will take down that annoying trash talking (trash eating) mammal. (their eyes look like little bandit masks :))

have a kids party on the show...stuff it with candy and use it as the pinata. that should do the trick

More Racoons(Maybe those damn battery eyed racoon chasing ball toys)

Why don't ya invite the "Motor City Madman" & acclaimed hunter, Ted Nugent, to come & shoot the raccoon down with his bow & arrow. Then he could skin it & cook the varmint for you, max & the studio audience to enjoy.

turn into a supersayin; as if you were on dragon ball z. An american classic cartoon i might ad. heres how you do it, the exact way they did it on the show, you go into the hyperbolic time chamber, get your jokes in pretending that famous people or such athletes are training you, hahaha you can even have Arnald S. staring in dis-beliefe of you turning into a super sayin.
you get hooked up to some wires, do something a lil gutsy for a change, not saying you dont have guts just saying you should be a show stopper, steal the show everytime. then battle the racoon, defeat him, hes down, you did something a lil off the wall thats going to draw some attention to your program.
win win situation?
think about it.

Take down the raccoon with a PAINTBALL GUN.

I think you should get one of those nerf guns from the late 80's / early 90/s and make it look like a penis, and shoot the foam ball at him. Maybe you should put some slime in there to make it look spermy. Ha! O love you Conan. You did so good even without writers. You can do it on your own.

Launch Max Weinburg's back-up drum sticks!

You sould send Dick Cheney on another hunting trip.

Threaten to throw your toupee at em.

Throw a beehive at it..

Look, we all know Al Roker is secretly a master of the mystical arts. Its all over wikipedia, so it must be true. Why don't you just have Roker use his patented Fists of Fantasticism to shoot a blue bolt of unadulterated power to vaporize the jet pack wielding critter! Never underestimate the power of the Roker.

PS: Make sure he's wearing a pointy, star spangled hat as he uses his Fists of Fantasticsim.... ZAP!!!

cut the fish line you retard! i had one of these in my kitchen, hired a professional to take care of it and all he did was cut the stupid fish line and it fell like a bag of wet cement. cost me $342.00 could have done it myself. conan should probably wear a hair net, this guy was bald, so i don't want to be responsible.one coon hook in that wave...oh my god...i dont want to be responsable.

You blow it down. Have a tube that you blow into and a bunch of lighters or soemthing on the end that can be on lit at the end, and burn that thing down to a pulp. It's up to you but i think it's a good idea.

i drew you an awesome picture of how it should go down. living in maine, my first thought was "spud gun"... enjoy

Send the Giants Turtle on another rocket! Suicide mission, sure, but Giants Turtle will take one for the team.

Conan you are a tall guy, and the racoons orbit seems to be swinging low.... just jump up and grab him and deal with his mocking burglar masked face personally. A ladder is also another possible idea to be rid of the nusance of the late night studio skies.

Get Hulk Hogan to bring some of the gladiators down with their nerf cannons (the tennis balls weren't cutting it)

four words, trampoline and a bat.

Just use the masterbating bear....not to do what your thinking because that is just disgusting....but maybe he could shoot another raccoon up there ....Im not going to lie....I just want to see the masterbating bear again

Simple.... just have Conan get some clubs and golf balls and have him take a few shots at that furry little guy... this way we can see Conans great form and finally own that squirrel...

Since a raccoon's natural predator is a Florida panther, it seems most logical to use a rocket-powered Florida panther to take down the raccoon. Simple! ;p

I think the most cost efficient way to neutralize the raccoon is to have the masturbating bear jump on a trampoline and knock the raccoon down with his free hand.

I think you should throw burnt waffles at the raccoon with a skeet thrower, if that doesn't work try something that shoots a net out at it like what the swat team uses, a remote controlled helicopter might work good too if you hit it head on, or use the blades to cut the string of the raccoon. You could always use a broom if you wanted, but brooms aren't as cool. Ronny Long Dallas, TX

Velociraptors.

Dude, potato shooter. Seriously, they exist.

Either that or shoot zombies out of a cannon at it.

Use a paintball gun, conan!! There's like 50 people on here who want this!!

Make LaBamba jump on a trampoline and catch the raccoon in his mouth(or forget the trampoline and just make him catch it any way he wants)!

Use a bow and arrow with a ravenous squirrel attached to it. If the arrow misses, the squirrel should still be able to latch on and tear apart the racoon.

Use a pulsating beats of the German Techno Light Show to take that bad boy down.

Ok.. I have a great idea..
First let's analyze your problem, you shout the ball, but it never touches the raccoon!! So what I think is to add a tail to the ball. Follow the below steps and together we can do it Conan…
1.Bring 2 Chinese chop sticks
2.tape them together to make one tall chop stick
3.Make a very small hall in the ball
4.stick the tall chop stick in the ball
5.put the ball in the fire distinguisher making sure that it is pushed very hard
6.shoot …
7.Say “Yeah Sara you are very very smart :-)”

Rami my husband said "this is not going to work!!" But I really believe that it will work.

Best Regards,
Sara

conan in cowboy garb should yank the raccoon from orbit while the max weinberg 7 wrenches out an old west saloon ditty.

You should call Dick Chaney. I've heard he's a pretty good hunter and is deadly accurate.

Use an over sized sling shot to hit it with soiled diapers. I was hoping you would have turned the tennis ball gun on Larry the Cable Guy instead.

Conan or "Wolf" (from American Gladiators) should, by using any means necessary, deflect John Wilkes Boothes' gunshot towards Lincoln to hit the orbiting racoon.

TELL DICK CHENEY ITS ANNE FRANK

TELL MICHAEL JACKSON IT'S A SEVEN YEAR OLD RACCOON

TELL CONAN OBRIEN IT HOLDS THE SECRET TO CURING HIS UNGODLY PALE SKIN

Put a blind fold on LaBomba (you could use one of his flashy ties, give him a broomstick, spin him around a few times and tell him it's a pinata. He's probably good at that game, plus I'm sure it will fit in the budget. That's definitely something I'd like to watch at 1am.

Conan, personally I think you should get a jet pack for yourself and fly your white ass in to orbit and confront him face to face.. possibly engage in a light saber battle in the air.

P.S.- tell la bamba I said hey

Nothing can survive a Chuck Norris round house kick, not even a raccoon with a jet pack. It may even kill members of the audience from sheer terror. You may want to have them sign a waiver.

Flying Raccoon problems? Three words... Walker, Texas Ranger.

Conan,

Have the masturbating bear throw mini-Jay Leno at the raccoon high enough for his chin to knock him down.

Collin

Why don't you let me come on your show and just grab it. I am 6'5" therefore I have a very long reach. Plus I really want get free tickets to the show.

Use the Spudzooka. 1/8th mile range!

Conan dresses as Lincoln(and wears a smoking helmet), from a safe distance he throws cabbage at the orbiting raccoon. Meanwhile a laser show is in the background. But before all of this Conan watches a Chuck Norris clip to get pumped up.

Light fireworks and throw em at the coon.

Get a giant sling shot and launch labamba at it and if that doesn't work then use the rest of the max weinberg 7

Taunt him with blueberries/ something that raccoons eat or some kind of pretty girl raccoon, and make him beg for you to let him down for a while. It will be painless... for you.

I think connan should picture the raccoon as a pinata and try to hit it down with a wiffle-ball bat while blindfolded.

Tell Joel to use his strange announcer powers to get it down by tempting him with male Asian prostitutes.

Pull the Chuck Norris lever and Walker Texas Ranger will appear and shoot the pest down. Or even better, have the Gorilla Nurse using an old fashioned abdominal exerciser while listening to Angel of the Morning by Juice Newton seduce the racoon into submission!

a cobra on a hangglider. one shot. or try and shoot him down over the pacific like that satellite

Fire that chatty cathy dating chick out of a cannon and take that nocturnal bastard down.
Get Triumph To put his move's on the racoon and cause that racoon to fall on to the love train, choo-choo.
Get the masturbating bear to whack it down.
Get Colbert and Stewart to smack that racoon up.
Get Tom Cruise To use his super jumping skill's to get it down.

The best idea to get this spinning raccoon out of orbit is to launch max weinburg's back up drum sticks at it!

Conan, you have to lure in the raccoon with the Horney manatee and then slime it with vomiting Kermit.

throw HD-DVD's at it! (Toshiba just announced they conceit to Blu-Ray) HAHA (wasn't universal signed with HD-DVD Technology...kinda works two ways)

Have the masturbating bear throw mini-Jay Leno at him until he knocks him down with his chin.

Collin

Try hitting ping pong balls at the raccoon with a ping pong paddle

Send killer flying monkey's from the wizard of oz after the raccoon

Have max and his band play a god awful song that will send that raccoon into such a frenzy we could shoot himself down... LOL

Have a guy with a real bad flatulence problem fart him down...

Eli Manning needs to throw footballs at it!!!!!!

To be honest there is only one solution to nabbing that spinning son of a squirrel... Conan must chase it down with his motorized desk! that ought to level out the playing field!

The only option you have is to bring back the most violent in your face ghetto character you have ever created. Thats right, I am telling you to bring back Pimpbot, give him a gun or his patented knife, and run with it.

Just smoke out the raccoon with some grade A cannabis, rolled up in a doobie. That raccoon will come down sooner than later to get more.

Have some of the workers laid off from TVT Records come onto the show and throw Lil Jon and Pitbull CDs at the raccoon until, out of sympathy, it turns off the pack, returns to Earth and scurries out the door.

Catapault the masturbating bear at the racoon!!! Let Mr. M. Bear get his mind off his groin area for a couple minutes and give him some nourishment. You are killing two birds with one stone. It's like having a cake and eating it too!!!

Conan,

You get someone from the audience and blind fold them. Give them a big stick and treat the raccoon like a pinata. This will for sure knock the raccoon down. Give several people a try and maybe give them a lame prize to the person who knocks it down.

Kyle from Kansas City, MO

I think you should do the zipline thing again...with the full suit...you should add a couple more rockets though, and have some props set up like you was heroically jumping out of a spaceship onto the raccoon.

put abe vigoda on a jet pack and send him to take it down.

Conan there is really only one way to take down a raccoon with a jet pack. A cougar in a jet pack.

Toss several pancakes at the bastard

The best way to get the pesky racoon down would be to lure it down with garbage. It would need to be pretty stinky garbage to reach thoses great heights, but a racoon cannot resist garbage.

Just smoke out the raccoon with some grade A cannabis, rolled up in a doobie. That raccoon will come down sooner than later to get more.

blindfold la bamba spin him around and have him swing at it like a pinata

Make LaBamba jump on a trampoline and catch the raccoon in his mouth(or forget the trampoline and just make him catch it any way he wants)!

use one of those guns that shoots out t-shirts, like at sports games. not only will it be possible to shoot him down with it, but who can resist free t-shirts? he may just have to come down to get the shirts...

you could also try using a giant sling shot and shoot him with dodgeballs. this would be the MOST INTENSE DODGEBALL GAME EVER!

I sent an e-mail with a description, but you should mimic the Navy and use a large bottle rocket to shoot it down!

Cut his funding.

Put various Billy Joel albums in a small car and attach the car to some large ropes and steer the car uncontrollably until it hits a lightpole that falls onto the jetpack causing it to stop running, which in turn knocks down the screeching raccoon with a jetpack. and since ruining cars is his thing, the song "my life" by billy joel should be playing

p.s. billy joel should come in and play for you, as long as you don't show him the reasoning why the car full of his albums is screeching out of control...if he won't play get max to tell bruce to do a good billy joel impression for fun or sing glory days because of the sheer contrast to billy joels life when he crashed his car...which i understand was YEARS ago, but it is still quite hilarious....SLAYER RULES!!! ok, get slayer to play

Nothing can survive a Chuck Norris round house kick, not even a raccoon with a jet pack. Members of the audience may be killed from sheer terror. You may want to have them sign a waiver.

Or maybe you could play a clip from a Ben Affleck movie. Is causing suicide a crime?

You should get the Naked Cowboy to lasso it.

get "the masturbating bear" to throw paris hilton cd's at it or any other crappy so called "artists"

or get "the masturbating bear" to throw porn dvd's at it (it may be difficult for the bear to do so, due to his habit)

To get the Raccoon out of orbit, I suggest that you throw frozen waffles at it. They could be frozen, or you could prepare them with maple syrup and whatever else goes on a waffle. By doing this, one of three things could happen: 1. The Raccoon gets knocked out of orbit 2. The Raccoon does not get knocked out of orbit 3. The Raccoon might willingly come down because it is hungry, eat the waffle, then return to orbit. The third option although looks impractical, but it would be hilarious.

Keep up the good work, I look to see what you come up with

Hey, i say throw your microphone at it that should work :D

There is one solution for this problem: Chuck Norris. Get Chuck Norris to shoot at the raccoon then have the raccoon fight Chuck Norris. Ultimatley, Chuck Norris will beat the raccoon.

You should get a real gun and shoot that damn raccoon

Simple.... just have Conan get some clubs and golf balls and have him take a few shots at that furry little guy... this way we can see Conans great form and finally own that squirrel...

Quite simple old boy,just have Jesus will the beast down.

Send conan in a jetpack and have them fight to the death.

shoot that bastard with a paintball gun or throw your chair at it

Use a heat-seeking missile like the one that is going to bring down the satellite.

Get the American Gladiators on the show and have them use their Nerf guns from the Assault event. Those things are awsome, and with the combined power of Conan and the Gladiators, that racoon's days are numbered...
(maby get Conan in a Conan the Barbarian costume to set the mood)

Get will ferrell's friend Bill Brasky, they say he's about 7'10" 530. Bill Brasky once jumped off the Empire State Building and only sprained his ankle!!!

the idea of shooting mint-green foam at the raccoon would be comical.

Try all of these ideas above, but fail miserably. Then make a big deal out of it, call a Physics professor from Harvard U. Make him write down two pages of equations to prove the air resistance does not matter. Then let him recommend a 6 feet ladder and a pair of scissors. Then cut the racoon down, and let hell break loose with baloons and glitter falling from the sky... This is the sure way to bring him down ... But if you want to try something more PG 13, you can always bring a female racoon and set her on the floor. There is a slow chance that the orbiting racoon will just decide to come down. Hope this helps :)

Conan, there is only one thing to do about the situation on our hands. I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but you must use a bra as a sling shot and shoot that SOB down with water ballons or tennis balls. Think of it this way, you have double the chance to take that dirty raccoon out. I understand that aqcuiring a bra might be a problem for you, but, I am sure someone will help your cause and donate one. Perhaps even a member of the studio audience... Best of both worlds man.

Have Cannedy Knowles come out dressed as a Zoo Keeper and ask it to please come down.... Nothing on Earth could say no to her!!

If you can't get Cannedy... Bindi Erwin!!

or maybe just go the THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND.... and never launch the damn thing... haha

Fight fire with fire! If you put up a squirrel to fight the raccoon it just might work!

Hello Conan,
I am a student at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Whenever I have a raccoon problem I look to episodes of Walker Texas Ranger for some good advice. One of my favorite episodes is the western where Chuck Norris is involved in a shootout (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmEvi2RjWjM) . I bet if you watched this episode and practiced your shooting you might be able to shoot the rocket and knock him down. Another option is to invite Chuck Norris to do it for you. Good luck!

Conan,

Leaders of old often attempted to comfort those of their flock using granidose statements of prose and poetry. In times of trouble, I am comforted by an old saying of my grandfather:
A leaf accross the desert,
A coal accross the sea.
Winter seems as pregnant
'Fore springtime's bended knee.
Let this be as an encouragement to your bones.
While I do not know by what means you shall overcome this blasted botheration, I know that you shall.

Conan, the answer is simple. First you need a predator of the raccoon, an owl, and make it a horned one. Then give the owl a cape, play western showdown music and let the owl have at em. Maybe the owl could be driving a car that can fly and run over the coon. Something along those lines would be cool.

try shooting him down with maria shriver. her jaw bones are sure to shred some arteries or the fuel tanks.

I would suggest following NASA's example and shoot down the raccoon in a similar manner to the military shooting the broken spy satellite.

Have a lovely GIRL flying racoon come soaring in and then guide the racoon away. Play some romantic music to set the mood, like some Barry White. The two leave, Conan thinks his problems are solved then suddenly several little baby flying racoons come in. I think that would be a funny skit.

Shooting implies such violence. He is obviously stuck in orbit, might as well help him out.

Conan should create an anti gravity field in the center of the raccoon's orbit. Conan's anti gravity field is unleashed after a mind-blowing laser show. This in turn releases the raccoon from orbit so he can continue his journey across the universe teaching alien life about the wonders of garbage (i.e. Late Night with Conan O'Brien)

joel and pender should dress like gay cowboys and intice him to come down by dancing with glowsticks while conan claps and sings a square dance number.

Get Jay Thomas to throw a football at it.

Oh wait, you want to knock it down.

Have Max throw drum sticks at it randomly during the show.

i am hearing impaired myself, thought maybe that dead pan raccoon is hard of hearing just yell into its ear and it will freak out and drop dead itself or mmm throw arnold the cali gov at raccoon !

Well i think your best chance is to get Chuck Norris to throw La Bamba at the creature and the raccoon will be so frightened at the sight of La Bamba's mustache that he'll fall from orbit plumiting to the earth floor.

Hey Conan,
Perhaps more serious than that raccoon problem is your drummer, Max Weinberg.

As a professional jazz musician playing with Medeski/Martin/Wood, the Mingus Bands, Elvis Costello, and the likes I have to wonder if you've ever heard of Max "Roach" or perhaps Elvin Jones.

Sure they're not around anymore, but man, . .. I could give you some names and numbers. Have you heard of Matt Wilson? He's like Max, but with the talent.

Anyway, could you give my info to Mr. Weinberg? He's not my favorite, but I do enjoy your show when I'm up with nothing else to do. Cheers, Douglas Yates. (professional saxophonist/bass clarinetist)

The only way to take down a flying raccoon is to run it over with a flying car. To make sure that nothing goes wrong, such as the car missing the raccoon completely. The car can only be driven by one man “Walker Texas Ranger” aka Chuck Norris. If the raccoon tries to dodge the car, he catches a nasty round house to the teeth. This seems to be the only way a sane man could see such a ferocious raccoon taken out of orbit.

The scene starst with a racoon flying around with a jet pack. Connan walks in to save the day. There is a rapeling line on top of the stuido. Connan puts on a bike helment with some of those expensive props you guys use to simulate a rocket attached to the helment. Connan salutes the audience, starts chearing up the audience by chearing USA!, USA!, USA! a couple of times and suddenly starts to rappel down the line. While this is happening Max is waiting down the line to catch Connan, but in a very misterious manner connnan misses the racoon and instead hits Max in the chest. The end.
P.S. I know is not the best but it would be an honor for me as a fan that my idea will be used hand in hand with the creative workings of your own writters.

i gotta say, some of these people have crazy things,just get pale force to take him down, or just take off your shoe and try to hit him down like a piñata, then VICTORY DANCE

I heard raccoons love marshmallows. Maybe you should consider hiring the marshmallow man from Ghost Busters to wear a jet pack and fly past the raccoon, luring it away from the studio... or just find another raccoon with a jet pack to shoot the other raccoon down and then shoot itself down.

Conan,

You need to get take masturbating bear out of hibernation, give it a jet pack (or a ladder) and have him maul the racoon out of orbit.

(-:

Jeremy Bizon
Spring Lake, Mi

You should shoot another horny Raccoon at it to send it back into deep orbit.

Use a heat-seeking missile, like the one that is going to take down the satellite. That should finish your problem.

Play some Obama speeches til he faints!!! Or just use a coon dog air gun.

send a turtle on a rocket at it with a light saber

Conan, you must shoot a midget out of a cannon!! If you get the trajectory right, the midget will surely rip the raccoon right out of the sky!!

Connan, Shoot it with a paintball gun

Conan, use your wedding ring spin to take out that screeching devil. Ha ha just kidding. You should try to take it out by fearlessly charging it with a jousting stick.

It has just been revealed that this raccoon has taken Alex hostage. Walker Texas Ranger has just gotten a hunch that Alex has been abducted by a flying raccoon threatening to destroy all of Dallas, Texas. Trivette has been wounded by that raccoon's friend chipmunk and is in the hospital. Walker must do something about this. Get Walker Texas Ranger in the studio to give his back fist to the coon followed by his roundhouse to the face for the KO.

hey conan, i say go get about 50 copies of arnold's holiday smash hit; JINGAL ALL THE WAY! and throw them at the racoon! thank's david long

Conan,
Picture this:
Screeching Conan with Rocket Power vs. Screeching Raccoon with a Jetpack. Conan be the HERO and take that Raccoon down yourself and save the day. All you have to do is put on your rocket boots, rocket helmet and Groucho Max glasses, go down the zipline and take that raccoon down.

The scene is from WILD HOGS: Tim Allen is on his harley, riding towards Woody who is hanging from a tree on a rope.

"Conan" rides a hog to the flying raccoon and jumps from the hog to the raccoon to pull him down to safety. Conan is hanging on to the raccoon ...... and hangs on ......... and hangs on, going in circles, until the jet pack runs out of fuel. Both come crashing down, Conan the hero.

You can either implore gynoblast or my more personal favorite, launch vomitting Kermit into space to deal with that blasted Raccoon ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!

You should bring on the "Masterbating Bear" and have him take down that pestering and potentially dangerous raccoon w/ a jetpack with the the masterbating bear's excellent shot with his ummm... "romance explosion"

THE SOLUTION IS SIMPLE! Have George Mitchell acuse it of using steroids and HGH. If the rocket raccoon is anything like "The Rocket," it will be more worried about hurting his image then hurting the audience. As a result, like Roger Clemens, the raccoon will crash and burn trying to prove his innocence.

Your welcome studio audience

I have two ideas both sure the blow both your mind and that the pesky raccoon shrieking ass.

IDEA ONE
Get a shrieking coyote with a jet back (the natural predator of the shrieking raccoon with a jet pack), launch him into the late night orbit and let nature take its course.

IDEA TWO
You need to get any combination of Ben Affleck, Bruce Willis, Steve Buscemi and Michael Clark Duncan. Give them a crash course in operating complex mining equipment, adorn them out in heavy, cumbersome space suits and have them shoot tennis balls from an air cannon.

I have two ideas both sure the blow both your mind and that the pesky raccoon shrieking ass. Please perceive any of those comments to be sexual in nature.

Have Max dress up as a ninja and have him jump on a trampoline under the Raccoon and try to kick it down.


Pick a member of the audience to come down and get blind folded, and hit the Raccoon down like a piñata.

You should have a suicide chipmunk come in and explode right next to the squirrel.

I think that cream filled phallic-shaped doughnuts might scare it down, if they were flung at it in an interesting manner

Two words,NUCLEAR MISSILE.I know a guy,call me.

shoot it with a giant rabies antidote needle, have max blow it up with his laser vision, have early american pioneers hunt it with muzzle guns for its taboo meat, have bob saget talk it down with love and trust then turn on it, shine a huge conanlight on it, eject pierre from the recliner or rage towards it, have bryan adams distract it with a news report while conan flame guns the thefty creature!

Qyestion:
What scares a racoon?

Answer:
Bears

Plan:
Shoot a flying bear(or something else that scares racoons) into orbit, and all your racoon related problems will be gone.

Problem:
Solved

Take a X-Wing Starfighter and shoot that racoon down like Luke Skywalker did to the Death Star in Star Wars

You should chuck a boomerang at him!! That will teach the vermon!!

Convert La Bamba's trombone into a musket, use it to shoot Conan's strike beard hair at the raccoon.

Use a high-powered air hose to spray New Jersey air at the raccoon.

Have Conan dress up as Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid, then pop out from underneath a cardboard box and shoot the raccoon with a tranquilizer gun.

Reuse the worm costume again. This time its an ICBM.

Get Chuck Norris to Round House Kick the Raccoon down. Chuck never fails. Ever!

Make it easier to submit ideas. Please.

Conan,
You should have Triumph the Insult Comic Dog throw cigars at the raccoon until he knocks him out of orbit.

Conan, you should use the mighty power of your bouncing hairdo to bring that sucker down. For training purposes, your hair can have a fighting match against Chuck Norris' beard.

just send rose o'donald up there and have her eat it

Get a ninja to throw throwing stars at it

you should tell la bomba he has bad acting skills whil he is standing under the racoon. His shout will probably cause the rocket to explode. Problem solved.

Automatic football thrower will knock that raccoon up to the ceiling
Automatic baseball or tennis thrower if need be

Dear Conan

I think your best bet would be to use the zip line.

Or have Max's hit man take him out.

Put on a Jet-Pack, fly up into Orbit with a LASER, shoot it down, and fall into a big pile of trash with it!
(Raccoons love trash!)

Crossbow

water balloon slingshot

paintball gun

better idea, jello or pudding balloon slingshot

my drawing of the idea above is in your Zip Line Idea folder, b/c the Raccoon upload wasnt working! hope u get it!

Use your sweet desk that rolls around and hello! goes up and down!

you could, beings how a raccoon is a flying rat you could just have Max's handyman Tony to shoot him dow for you :) would make a good sheme for Max's gangsta stlye:) witch is tollay asome:) he needs to do more
you coon thingy is cool but maybe Tony can help solve your prom.:) love it and you guys too lorrie:)

have mr. met knock him out of orbit, and then have the raccoon destroy mr. met once and for-all

Two man sling shot (usually used for water balloons) use meteors aka rocks

Ok, you need to send in the space Assassin Raccoon that you hired to take care of the renegade Raccoon!!

Good luck to us all...

giant spitballs

Pay a ninja off with a bag of cash to throw throwing stars, place a shark tank underneath. detailed picture at the link

CONAN you should shoot the raccoon down with a paint ball gun. Or a bow and arrow with flat tips of course so no one gets hurt. Oh yeah and you should put the Walker Texas Ranger reel back on the show that was the funniest thing i have ever seen. Or a air soft gun you could use those. KEEP UP THE BEST SHOW ON THE EARTH. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!

Woo him down with the siren like song of the Horny Manatee

woops, sorry, here is the picture:

http://img514.imageshack.us/my.php?image=jetracoonyo0.jpg

Use a midget Neil Armstrong to get it down

BRING BACK MASTURBATING BEAR TOGET THE RACCOON DOWN. HAVE HIM THROW BALLED UP DIAPERS AT IT.

Bring NITRO in from American Gladiators and have him shoot tennis balls from the machine they use on AG at the raccoon until he knocks it off and then have Hulk Hogan interview the raccoon about what went wrong. Put NITRO on the Zamboni desk too and have Conan drive it around toward the raccoon for better shots. You can even do the blue screen with the Conan crazy desk driving skit.

my suggestion to a well-done yet funny way to shoot down this infested racoon with a jet pack would be to bring back the walker texas ranger hilarious funny clips and the last clip finishes bring back texas walker rancher and you should both (conan o'brian and texas walker ranger) should throw boomerangs at da racoon and when they finally make it fall make a little seen roasting the racoon in an open fire...

Get a ladder and cut it down with some scissors

my suggestion to a well-done yet funny way to shoot down this infested racoon with a jet pack would be to bring back the walker texas ranger hilarious funny clips and the last clip finishes bring back texas walker rancher and you should both (conan o'brian and texas walker ranger) should throw boomerangs at da racoon and when they finally make it fall make a little seen roasting the racoon in an open fire...

hey conan, you should try throwing a skunk with a jet pack straped to its back at it.

my suggestion to a well-done yet funny way to shoot down this infested racoon with a jet pack would be to bring back the walker texas ranger hilarious funny clips and the last clip finishes bring back texas walker rancher and you should both (conan o'brian and texas walker ranger) should throw boomerangs at da racoon and when they finally make it fall make a little seen roasting the racoon in an open fire...

A pyramid of cheerleaders would be the only way in which a Raccoon with a Jetpack should be safely returned to Conan.

Send Jewish Squirrel into orbit on his rocket turtle, then have jewish squirrel, in mid-flight, hook a gas mask up to raccoon's jetpack and redistribute the toxic burn-off into his lungs, eventually ending his life and orbit...

The duck that eats its own poo and grossed out Conan can make amends by knocking the Raccoon down.

Bring back Shoeverine and have him dance fight the racoon out of orbit.

#1 IDEA FOR CONAN, AN AUOTOMATIC FOOTBALL THROWER…(see below). You will hit the racc eventually, and think of how much Mr. rocket Raccoon will move when you hit it at maximum speed!!!!!!!! Substitute with an automatic baseball or tennis ball thrower!!!
My other top ideas include-
A Crossbow
Bow N arrow (how awesome would it be to see Conan strip his suit off and be dressed as Robin Hood)
Sling shot
Three man sling shot, (shooting what ever is related, a meteoroid?)
Paintball gun
And of course the infamous potato gun, although this would be amazing, reloading would take some time
MY # 1 SUGGESTION…Arm both Conan and Max with automatic football throwers and have them compete!!!!!!!!!!!!!

conan, as you now know, de-commissioning a screeching racoon with a jetpack is not an easy task.i have a method that can quite possibly accomplish the task.Hhhowever,i need a bit of information to complete my calculations. does the racoon have any navigational control of craft? it would help matters if he at least has partial accelleration/de-accelleration control.if not i can make adjustments...(?!?!?!). also,i read the "terms of submission" and there might be a slight,third party concern.(we must discuss this third party,although you have used this party's likeness on your show before)if that will not work i can make some more adjustments...(?!?!?! can we count on jeee ge-air gi'ermo geronimo, gillermo?) meanwhile i'm working on a screeching racoon with a jetpack mockup to test my prototype de-screecher.i'm having a hard time finding toxic smoke.maybee you can give me a lead.i hope to have some sketches, pics, and possibly video soon.and finally,about the terms of submission... i'm not wearing a shirt :]